Day 141 - Wednesday, 4th February 2009

I have had the most trying week and I supersize failed. I mean I went onto a whole new level of lapsing and actually binged. Everything got on top of me and turned to the only thing I knew I could turn to. Food. I have been so stressed out at work, the weather has got me really down. Everyone else is sooo super happy we have snow, and I usually love snow, but it's just made me so depressed. Then I was feeling sorry for myself because I forgot to tax my car. Stupid, I know, but I was like overly emotional so that turned into this great ordeal. Being left stranded without a car, trying to get my so called friend to pick me up from work but she made some pants excuse that later turned out to be a lie because she wanted to go and see her new boyfriend instead. Call me an over-emotional drama queen if you want, but I have this really big problem where I judge people on what I would do. And I would never have left my friend stood in the snow in heels freezing her ass off just because I wanted a damn booty call. Not impressed. It all kicked off last week because my stupid ass mother got done for drink driving. What is it with the whole old school rural farming types where they think that kind of behaviour is acceptable? She could have killed herself. Or someone else. So anyway, now I am worrying because after she goes to court, likelihood is she will get banned for a couple of years. So guess who will have to play taxi. Now I don't mind this, but my worry comes because I don't want to feel like taking my mum and grannies out will become a chore. Which inevitably it will. I guess I'm just down because I feel like people are starting to act differently around me. Maybe this is because I am changing in myself not just physically but with my personality too. Or perhaps it has to do with them changing their opinions of me because they are so used to me being "the fat girl". I'm by no means slim now, but I am not as big as I was and this shows by strangers' attitudes to me too. I am just finding it a little difficult to get used to the attention and I'm still always on the defensive. I do sometimes wonder whether I am sabotaging myself on purpose because I am scared so much of this huge change I am making. or whether I am so annoyed that other people are so superficial to be treating me differently now. Even that "now people are treating me better, I can go back to normal". Although this isn't even true because people who know me are in some cases distancing themselves from me.

Most of all, I am annoyed at my brother. Last year I did a lot for him. Especially when he became unemployed. I had to subsidise him and pay all of the bills myself, subsequently I got myself into a bit of debt and my credit rating has suffered because of it. He got a new job in at the end of Summer, and he paid me back what he owed me. But since September, he has not paid a thing. So I am back to paying all of the bills again. It's crippling me. Not only all of this, but I did not get a thank you and he forgot my birthday. It is his birthday today and part of me wants to ignore it. But the other part of me still thinks that he is my brother and so I should buy him a present to show that I do care. But then doesn't that make me a bit of a chump?

I think I am getting to the bottom of why I have binged this last week. It was so back to that whole secret eating thing. I just stowed away in my room and binged because at the time, I felt so alone and food was my only friend. I know that is not true. I have some really good friends. If I can just remember to focus on the good things when all these negative things are going on in my head I will have a much better time of sticking to the plan. I do deserve this. Why do I care what other people think so much?

OK, so I'm going to think positively. Something good did happen this week. Though it didn't manage to pull me through my bubble of gloom. I went out at the weekend with my friends. We had an awesome time. So much fun. I did ache like hell for two days afterwards tho. Jumping around in a mosh pit for 3 hours probably wasn't the best plan in the world. But it was better than the MacDonald's that I ate on the way home! And I really don't like MacDonald's!!

Day 133 - Tuesday, 27th January 2009

So I guess that today is the calm after the awesomeness that was yesterday! I am still smiling though. I am just amazed at how far I have come in four months. The last time I successfully lost weight was with Slimming World and I lost 4 and a half stone. It took me exactly one year. And here I am now, having lost 5 stone and 2 pounds in 4 months. (More weight in a third of the time!!) Just focusing on my next mini goal. I am still going for that "moving target" as well as my milestones to see if it helps at all in keeping me focused. So ideally I want to lose 5lb this week. It will take me to my 5 and a half stone marker. I won't be disappointed with 4lb but I really want to go for 5lb. I think it is achievable. I am going to be far more active this week. Sorting out my house and starting swimming and walking on a regular basis. Also I am going to increase my water intake this week, see if this makes a difference at all.

Tonight I also need to get and sort out my bedroom. After Friday night's argument with the wardrobe, I have clothes everywhere. I am finally going to finish bagging everything up and load it into my car ready to take to charity shops/recycling centre tomorrow. All of that hauling rubbish up and down stairs is bound to burn some fat off, right!? And then I can have an early night and get up extra early to go for a swim in the morning before work. Now I am not an early riser, so this is going to be tough. But I have to do it.

Once I get into a routine, it will get easier, but I am preparing myself for a rough ride to begin with! And I have the rest of the week planned out with increasing the activity I am doing. It's a good time to begin because so much needs doing in the house at the moment and housework per se is always a good base to start off with!! People are always saying that you burn up so many calories doing the vacuuming etc.... Well, time to see if it does make that big of a difference!!!

Day 132 - Monday, 26th January 2009

I can think of about a million cliches right now but I'm sticking to, damn this month has flown by! I can't believe we will be in February by the end of the week. It doesn't seem like NYE was two minutes ago! I think though, although time has passed quickly that January has been a very productive month for me with regards to my thoughts. It still needs some work but I am focused and raring to continue down this path to a new slimmer, happier me. I'm ready for just about anything that life throws at me and there will be no more "f**k it, I'll just eat this once!"

Looking forward, I am aiming that February is going to be busy and fun and frantic and I'm going to try new things. No more "No, I can't do that". It's positive thinking from here on in. Why not just try something new? Yes, it can be scary and daunting but you know what? I am sick of sitting on the sidelines. I wanna play the damn game already!!

In 6 hours I shall be at my weigh in and I think this is the most excited that I have been for a weigh in yet. It's like this is the first week again! I wonder how I can keep up this interest and excitement for the duration? I think it was my brother who said to me at the weekend that this should be a moving target, so that every week you have something to aim for. That way, you never get bored. Perhaps that it where I went wrong last time? By focusing on the end point of the foundation course and not seeing past that I may have sabotaged my own attempts. If I can now say that this week I want to achieve this, and then reset that goal next week, and the week after then I will always have a goal that is close and achieveable. Whether I will tire if that I don't know. But it is worth a try. Anything to keep me out of that hole I fell into after Christmas!

So my aim this week is 4lb. If I have lost 4lb tonight I will have hit my "FIVE STONE LOST" milestone! I hope that I have done enough to get there!! Fingers crossed!

Several Hours Later . . . .

OMG! Just got back from weigh in! It's amazing. I lost 6lb. So I have now lost over 5 stone, I'm half way to my goal and I've lost 25% of my starting weight too. Wow. That's a lot of milestones in one day! 5lb next week and it's 5 and a half stone!! Super excited!

Day 131 - Sunday, 25th January 2009

Have done my days wrong!! My lovely friend Andy told me I have been doing this for 131 days not 129 days. But can't be bothered to change all the titles now! So you'll just have to forgive me, I can't help having blonde days now!!
This weekend has been good fun. I went out with the girls for a boogie on Friday night [Pictured Above] had a right giggle. But had a trauma getting dressed as I have like no clothes for going out. So on Saturday I went to town and did some spending and made use of my student card. I bought more pants, pyjamas, vest tops, all size 16-18!!! Wow. Can't believe I am sitting here writing this in my size 16-18 Pyjamas and they fit really nicely. Eeek!
I've also been a very naughty girl and jumped on the scales today. According to them, I have lost more than 5 stone in total since I started LL. I cannot wait until I get to weigh in tomorrow to find out for really what my actual weight loss is this week. Ok, so I haven't been amazing on my water intake, but as for sticking to the plan with having 4 food packs a day, I have been perfect. And I have done a bit of excercise too!!
Just need to keep this up, get the water intake right and continue to increase the excercise every week and I will be finished before I know it!!

Day 127 - Friday, 23rd January 2009

Oh yesterday was so good. I really enjoyed it. There were plans made, there was much giggling and it was totally random. Which I loved. Today has been horrible. I am growing more and more annoyed by this guy that I have to work with. He is one of the directors and he is responsible for the "quality assurance". But he's from the era where the boss was supposed to bark orders at people and demand things and shout at people. He's rude, obnoxious and driving me quite mad.

I am going to try and focus on the positive though. This guy is so not important enough to affect me and make me less happy. I have to think of all of the things that made me smile yesterday. All of the plans made for 2009. Sod him. Who cares about him? Just because he's a miserable little man doesn't mean that he can bring me down to his level! Hmmph! I shall use my stubborness here I think. I shall not be miserable because of some jumped up little twerp!!

Oooh, that was easy. I feel much better now!

In the meantime, I shall think about tomorrow. Busy myself because weekends without food are hard work. So I need to pick up my Ann Summers parcel from the Post Office in the morning, then I might have a wander around town for a little while. Do some window shopping! Buy a Barcelona guidebook and a Disneyland Resort Paris guidebook. For the trips to plan in March and December.

Then I can go home and have a clean up! Oooh, I could buy some paint for my room. Or the living room, that needs doing and I bet it burns up hundreds of calories!! Hmmm... more thought required me thinks. Then by the evening I shall be ready for a nice hot bath and a relaxing night in.

Hoping to go for a big long walk on Sunday. Can get my head straight and ready for the week ahead. Ooh I'm all excited for the weekend now. Right, so having now established that I can use this method of "making plans" when I am feeling a little pissed off/annoyed/stressed/upset. Hopefully I can use this as a little bit of a replacement for food. I used to just eat to make myself feel better before. But this makes me feel so much happier than that did. Because I have something to aim for. Perhaps today isn't totally horrible after all!!!

Day 127 - Thursday, 22nd January 2009

I am so freakin excited. I really can't control myself at all. I just have this stupid huge grin plastered on my face and I don't care what happens, it is not shifting. I have been spontaneous. And I like it! Ok, so what happened was that my lovely friend, Ra Ra told me she had a week off in March, and I was like, "I have 8 days to use before May, what can I possibly do!?" and three hours later, I have booked the same week off work and we've booked 4 days in Barcelona for £118.00!! Bargain.

I am trying not to think about the whole diet thing at the moment and just enjoy the positive things like being in my favourite city in the whole world again! Eeek! And it will be the first time I have been on an aeroplane since Florida last year and that was a tight squeeze. I am hopeful that I will have lost another 2 stone by then, so I can run around Barcelona without getting out of breath and I won't even think about the fact that I have "missed out" on food because I will be having too much fun trying to get all of the sights in over 4 days!!

It gives me something else to aim for too! I realised today that my interim target (to get to the same weight I was when I was in Sri Lanka) is a mear 16lb away now! I can do that. It's soooo close I can almost taste it! I'm pretty sure that I will get there by Valentine's Day. And maybe even another stone and a half by Barcelona. I feel so good about 2009. It really is looking like a good year. My diary is filling up and I am shrinking by the second. Must remember this thought for the next time I think "that biscuit won't hurt"!

Day 126 - Wednesday, 21st January 2009

Well I got through yesterday without a single blip. And today is going well so far. I have had to hide the biscuits in the office again. I figure, if I can't see them then I can't hear them. I also managed to contain myself when the housemates came back with Pizza last night. I can do this. I know I can. I find myself constantly saying "No, I don't need it" and "what's more important here? A biscuit or a size 14 and a free trip to New York?"

Shallow? Yes. Working? Yes!!

Unfortunately I did not go swimming as I had a head ache, but we shall try again! I am so completely focused now. I just need to up the water, do some excercise and I am sorted until Summer. I hope to be in the management stage of my Lighterlife journey in May. I'm not setting it as a goal, because I don't want to be frustrated if I am not where I want to be by May. It might be June or even July (God help me if it is!) but I just know now that the end is in sight. But it will only be in sight so long as I stay on track.

And I have lots to keep me motivated in the meantime. Although a few obstacles to overcome. Between now and Valentines Day though, I have nothing that could get in my way. I have no excuses. So I won't worry about that until it's here.