The Amazing Adventures of Bekimo!

Day 141 - Wednesday, 4th February 2009

2009-02-04T04:20:00.000-08:00

I have had the most trying week and I supersize failed. I mean I went onto a whole new level of lapsing and actually binged. Everything got on top of me and turned to the only thing I knew I could turn to. Food. I have been so stressed out at work, the weather has got me really down. Everyone else is sooo super happy we have snow, and I usually love snow, but it's just made me so depressed. Then I was feeling sorry for myself because I forgot to tax my car. Stupid, I know, but I was like overly emotional so that turned into this great ordeal. Being left stranded without a car, trying to get my so called friend to pick me up from work but she made some pants excuse that later turned out to be a lie because she wanted to go and see her new boyfriend instead. Call me an over-emotional drama queen if you want, but I have this really big problem where I judge people on what I would do. And I would never have left my friend stood in the snow in heels freezing her ass off just because I wanted a damn booty call. Not impressed. It all kicked off last week because my stupid ass mother got done for drink driving. What is it with the whole old school rural farming types where they think that kind of behaviour is acceptable? She could have killed herself. Or someone else. So anyway, now I am worrying because after she goes to court, likelihood is she will get banned for a couple of years. So guess who will have to play taxi. Now I don't mind this, but my worry comes because I don't want to feel like taking my mum and grannies out will become a chore. Which inevitably it will. I guess I'm just down because I feel like people are starting to act differently around me. Maybe this is because I am changing in myself not just physically but with my personality too. Or perhaps it has to do with them changing their opinions of me because they are so used to me being "the fat girl". I'm by no means slim now, but I am not as big as I was and this shows by strangers' attitudes to me too. I am just finding it a little difficult to get used to the attention and I'm still always on the defensive. I do sometimes wonder whether I am sabotaging myself on purpose because I am scared so much of this huge change I am making. or whether I am so annoyed that other people are so superficial to be treating me differently now. Even that "now people are treating me better, I can go back to normal". Although this isn't even true because people who know me are in some cases distancing themselves from me.

Most of all, I am annoyed at my brother. Last year I did a lot for him. Especially when he became unemployed. I had to subsidise him and pay all of the bills myself, subsequently I got myself into a bit of debt and my credit rating has suffered because of it. He got a new job in at the end of Summer, and he paid me back what he owed me. But since September, he has not paid a thing. So I am back to paying all of the bills again. It's crippling me. Not only all of this, but I did not get a thank you and he forgot my birthday. It is his birthday today and part of me wants to ignore it. But the other part of me still thinks that he is my brother and so I should buy him a present to show that I do care. But then doesn't that make me a bit of a chump?

I think I am getting to the bottom of why I have binged this last week. It was so back to that whole secret eating thing. I just stowed away in my room and binged because at the time, I felt so alone and food was my only friend. I know that is not true. I have some really good friends. If I can just remember to focus on the good things when all these negative things are going on in my head I will have a much better time of sticking to the plan. I do deserve this. Why do I care what other people think so much?

OK, so I'm going to think positively. Something good did happen this week. Though it didn't manage to pull me through my bubble of gloom. I went out at the weekend with my friends. We had an awesome time. So much fun. I did ache like hell for two days afterwards tho. Jumping around in a mosh pit for 3 hours probably wasn't the best plan in the world. But it was better than the MacDonald's that I ate on the way home! And I really don't like MacDonald's!!

Day 133 - Tuesday, 27th January 2009

2009-01-27T06:20:00.000-08:00

So I guess that today is the calm after the awesomeness that was yesterday! I am still smiling though. I am just amazed at how far I have come in four months. The last time I successfully lost weight was with Slimming World and I lost 4 and a half stone. It took me exactly one year. And here I am now, having lost 5 stone and 2 pounds in 4 months. (More weight in a third of the time!!) Just focusing on my next mini goal. I am still going for that "moving target" as well as my milestones to see if it helps at all in keeping me focused. So ideally I want to lose 5lb this week. It will take me to my 5 and a half stone marker. I won't be disappointed with 4lb but I really want to go for 5lb. I think it is achievable. I am going to be far more active this week. Sorting out my house and starting swimming and walking on a regular basis. Also I am going to increase my water intake this week, see if this makes a difference at all.

Tonight I also need to get and sort out my bedroom. After Friday night's argument with the wardrobe, I have clothes everywhere. I am finally going to finish bagging everything up and load it into my car ready to take to charity shops/recycling centre tomorrow. All of that hauling rubbish up and down stairs is bound to burn some fat off, right!? And then I can have an early night and get up extra early to go for a swim in the morning before work. Now I am not an early riser, so this is going to be tough. But I have to do it.

Once I get into a routine, it will get easier, but I am preparing myself for a rough ride to begin with! And I have the rest of the week planned out with increasing the activity I am doing. It's a good time to begin because so much needs doing in the house at the moment and housework per se is always a good base to start off with!! People are always saying that you burn up so many calories doing the vacuuming etc.... Well, time to see if it does make that big of a difference!!!

Day 132 - Monday, 26th January 2009

2009-01-26T03:58:00.000-08:00

I can think of about a million cliches right now but I'm sticking to, damn this month has flown by! I can't believe we will be in February by the end of the week. It doesn't seem like NYE was two minutes ago! I think though, although time has passed quickly that January has been a very productive month for me with regards to my thoughts. It still needs some work but I am focused and raring to continue down this path to a new slimmer, happier me. I'm ready for just about anything that life throws at me and there will be no more "f**k it, I'll just eat this once!"

Looking forward, I am aiming that February is going to be busy and fun and frantic and I'm going to try new things. No more "No, I can't do that". It's positive thinking from here on in. Why not just try something new? Yes, it can be scary and daunting but you know what? I am sick of sitting on the sidelines. I wanna play the damn game already!!

In 6 hours I shall be at my weigh in and I think this is the most excited that I have been for a weigh in yet. It's like this is the first week again! I wonder how I can keep up this interest and excitement for the duration? I think it was my brother who said to me at the weekend that this should be a moving target, so that every week you have something to aim for. That way, you never get bored. Perhaps that it where I went wrong last time? By focusing on the end point of the foundation course and not seeing past that I may have sabotaged my own attempts. If I can now say that this week I want to achieve this, and then reset that goal next week, and the week after then I will always have a goal that is close and achieveable. Whether I will tire if that I don't know. But it is worth a try. Anything to keep me out of that hole I fell into after Christmas!

So my aim this week is 4lb. If I have lost 4lb tonight I will have hit my "FIVE STONE LOST" milestone! I hope that I have done enough to get there!! Fingers crossed!

Several Hours Later . . . .

OMG! Just got back from weigh in! It's amazing. I lost 6lb. So I have now lost over 5 stone, I'm half way to my goal and I've lost 25% of my starting weight too. Wow. That's a lot of milestones in one day! 5lb next week and it's 5 and a half stone!! Super excited!

Day 131 - Sunday, 25th January 2009

2009-01-25T09:59:00.000-08:00

Have done my days wrong!! My lovely friend Andy told me I have been doing this for 131 days not 129 days. But can't be bothered to change all the titles now! So you'll just have to forgive me, I can't help having blonde days now!!
This weekend has been good fun. I went out with the girls for a boogie on Friday night [Pictured Above] had a right giggle. But had a trauma getting dressed as I have like no clothes for going out. So on Saturday I went to town and did some spending and made use of my student card. I bought more pants, pyjamas, vest tops, all size 16-18!!! Wow. Can't believe I am sitting here writing this in my size 16-18 Pyjamas and they fit really nicely. Eeek!
I've also been a very naughty girl and jumped on the scales today. According to them, I have lost more than 5 stone in total since I started LL. I cannot wait until I get to weigh in tomorrow to find out for really what my actual weight loss is this week. Ok, so I haven't been amazing on my water intake, but as for sticking to the plan with having 4 food packs a day, I have been perfect. And I have done a bit of excercise too!!
Just need to keep this up, get the water intake right and continue to increase the excercise every week and I will be finished before I know it!!

Day 127 - Friday, 23rd January 2009

2009-01-23T03:54:00.000-08:00

Oh yesterday was so good. I really enjoyed it. There were plans made, there was much giggling and it was totally random. Which I loved. Today has been horrible. I am growing more and more annoyed by this guy that I have to work with. He is one of the directors and he is responsible for the "quality assurance". But he's from the era where the boss was supposed to bark orders at people and demand things and shout at people. He's rude, obnoxious and driving me quite mad.

I am going to try and focus on the positive though. This guy is so not important enough to affect me and make me less happy. I have to think of all of the things that made me smile yesterday. All of the plans made for 2009. Sod him. Who cares about him? Just because he's a miserable little man doesn't mean that he can bring me down to his level! Hmmph! I shall use my stubborness here I think. I shall not be miserable because of some jumped up little twerp!!

Oooh, that was easy. I feel much better now!

In the meantime, I shall think about tomorrow. Busy myself because weekends without food are hard work. So I need to pick up my Ann Summers parcel from the Post Office in the morning, then I might have a wander around town for a little while. Do some window shopping! Buy a Barcelona guidebook and a Disneyland Resort Paris guidebook. For the trips to plan in March and December.

Then I can go home and have a clean up! Oooh, I could buy some paint for my room. Or the living room, that needs doing and I bet it burns up hundreds of calories!! Hmmm... more thought required me thinks. Then by the evening I shall be ready for a nice hot bath and a relaxing night in.

Hoping to go for a big long walk on Sunday. Can get my head straight and ready for the week ahead. Ooh I'm all excited for the weekend now. Right, so having now established that I can use this method of "making plans" when I am feeling a little pissed off/annoyed/stressed/upset. Hopefully I can use this as a little bit of a replacement for food. I used to just eat to make myself feel better before. But this makes me feel so much happier than that did. Because I have something to aim for. Perhaps today isn't totally horrible after all!!!

Day 127 - Thursday, 22nd January 2009

2009-01-22T07:26:00.000-08:00

I am so freakin excited. I really can't control myself at all. I just have this stupid huge grin plastered on my face and I don't care what happens, it is not shifting. I have been spontaneous. And I like it! Ok, so what happened was that my lovely friend, Ra Ra told me she had a week off in March, and I was like, "I have 8 days to use before May, what can I possibly do!?" and three hours later, I have booked the same week off work and we've booked 4 days in Barcelona for £118.00!! Bargain.

I am trying not to think about the whole diet thing at the moment and just enjoy the positive things like being in my favourite city in the whole world again! Eeek! And it will be the first time I have been on an aeroplane since Florida last year and that was a tight squeeze. I am hopeful that I will have lost another 2 stone by then, so I can run around Barcelona without getting out of breath and I won't even think about the fact that I have "missed out" on food because I will be having too much fun trying to get all of the sights in over 4 days!!

It gives me something else to aim for too! I realised today that my interim target (to get to the same weight I was when I was in Sri Lanka) is a mear 16lb away now! I can do that. It's soooo close I can almost taste it! I'm pretty sure that I will get there by Valentine's Day. And maybe even another stone and a half by Barcelona. I feel so good about 2009. It really is looking like a good year. My diary is filling up and I am shrinking by the second. Must remember this thought for the next time I think "that biscuit won't hurt"!

Day 126 - Wednesday, 21st January 2009

2009-01-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

Well I got through yesterday without a single blip. And today is going well so far. I have had to hide the biscuits in the office again. I figure, if I can't see them then I can't hear them. I also managed to contain myself when the housemates came back with Pizza last night. I can do this. I know I can. I find myself constantly saying "No, I don't need it" and "what's more important here? A biscuit or a size 14 and a free trip to New York?"

Shallow? Yes. Working? Yes!!

Unfortunately I did not go swimming as I had a head ache, but we shall try again! I am so completely focused now. I just need to up the water, do some excercise and I am sorted until Summer. I hope to be in the management stage of my Lighterlife journey in May. I'm not setting it as a goal, because I don't want to be frustrated if I am not where I want to be by May. It might be June or even July (God help me if it is!) but I just know now that the end is in sight. But it will only be in sight so long as I stay on track.

And I have lots to keep me motivated in the meantime. Although a few obstacles to overcome. Between now and Valentines Day though, I have nothing that could get in my way. I have no excuses. So I won't worry about that until it's here.

Day 125 - Tuesday, 20th January 2009

2009-01-20T06:13:00.000-08:00

Well, January is not going as I had hoped. I cannot for the life of me get out of this lapsing rut. I'll be ok for a bit and then head turns to mush and I go all gaga and eat something. I don't know what is happening. I think maybe that part of it is that I am getting so close to my interim goal that I am gettin complacent and start thinking that I can get away with just a bite of this. But that one bite is NEVER just one bite. It's just ends up rolling all out of control and before I know it, I've eaten a three course meal including a steak, which (a) I don't even like and (b) I am not supposed to eat because it does, and did in fact, cause me to have the most horrendous gall stone attacks. I was so close to being in A&E on Saturday night. And it was all my own very stupid fault.

It's the main reason that on Sunday, I went through my whole wardrobe and tried everything on! Well that was some inspiration. So many clothes just do not fit me anymore, they are falling off me. All the clothes that are left are from the time I was an 18-20 previously and I was really happy. So I am hoping that wearing these clothes now will help me to stay focused on where I want to be. Because all of those big clothes are gone now. There is no going back. Unless I go back naked!
I also tried on some old clothes that are 4/5 sizes too big now. And obviously had to photograph the moment!! I can't believe how big I was. There was a part of me who couldn't see any change at all. And this shut her up good and proper! Those trousers in the picture on the right hand side used to be TIGHT on me! I could almost fit another person in there now and I'm not at goal yet.

It's an interesting time because I am so happy at the progress I have made so far and I want so much to get to a point where I feel that I'm "right". But I just seem to have hit this lapsing obstacle and I don't know how to get past it. I am determined to try though. Just get past it. The way I see it, the better behaved I am, the faster the weight will come off and the quicker I get to goal and be able to get into a "normal" eating regime. I don't want to go mad. I just want to be able to eat like a "normal" person!! I don't think I have ever said that before. I think before it has always been, "I'll lose the weight and then I'll go back to eating what I did before" mentality. Gee, I guess I am making some progress.

Two bonuses of the lapsing thing. I have learnt a few things about food that I eat and how it affects my body. Like I eat crap, I feel sick. I eat healthy food, I don't feel sick! Simple yes, but did I really feel that crappy all the time? I remember saying "I feel sick" a lot but I never thought it was because of the horrible food I was eating!

The other thing is that my body has had a rest from the quick weight loss and I can feel the difference. Because I've remained within a half stone bracket for the last month, I think my body has had a chance to readjust. I have a new shape. And even though I haven't lost as much, clothes are getting looser! But that is now excuse to lapse. It would have happened at the end anyway!!!

Onward to the end of this journey. No more lapsing!!

Day 120 - Thursday, 15th January 2009

2009-01-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

Just realised I hadn't put up my latest comparison pictures, and I love doing these because I can see then how far I have come. So I am doing that today. The "before" photos were taken at V Festival in August 2008. The "after", or "during" as I prefer to label them were taken on New Years Eve 2008. Just 4 and a half stone later!!

You must excuse the cigar, New Years Eve was a big lapsing day for me and I drank for the first time in 3 months. Therefore, crazy things happened that I would not normally have done. God I miss drinking!!!!

Anyway, I like to do the comparison photos and I keep a photo diary as well, just so that I can see the changes in me. I think it's really crazy that I look in the mirror and I can remember what I looked like before and so I think I still look the same. And so now, looking back at how big I was in August, I honestly can't believe it is me. I guess I never truly looked at pictures of myself until now, when I am looking through them trying to find one of my where I am not hiding behind someone else!!

I have kept that blue top I wore at V. I wonder what it looks like now!?

I can so guess how my photo obsession is going to develop from here! Seriously, I am getting an addiction to taking pictures now. I guess I am just catching up on the many many years of taking pictures of everyone else and hiding from the camera myself!

I have also made a decision that I am going to go back to swimming next week. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday maybe? 3 days definitely. I will ponder it over the weekend. But I am looking forward to it. Just need to make sure I have a swimming costume that fits now!!! And this weekend, I am going to break in my winter walking boots. Bought them months ago, not worn them in yet. I know, I just kept making excuses not to go, to put it off until next week. But now I am ready to start that whole "excercise" thingy. GULP! Walking and swimming is pretty easy going though. At least I am easing myself in gently! There shall be no swimsuit photos though. I can tell you that right now!!!

Day 119 - Wednesday 14th January 2009

2009-01-14T13:49:00.000-08:00

Well I have been a bit lazy on here of late, but as has become my motto of late, "better late than never"!

So what's new? Well I have now lost 4 stone and 12 pounds since September. I am back on track after the horribleness of Xmas and New Year that caused a 1 pound weigh gain. I have found it really difficult to get back on to the diet since the December indiscretions. But hopefully, it's all over now. I've now stepped into what seems to be a parallel universe though. I need to learn that someone giving me a compliment is not a shocking occurence. I'm just not used to people telling me I look good but they are telling me that. And scarily frequently too!

I saw Dani today, and i haven't seen her in months. In fact I have been racking my brain trying to work it out, it must be 6 months or so since I last saw her. At least. She walked in and the first thing she said was "look at you skinny minnie"! It's not that I don't like getting comments like that, I love it and it spurs me on, but I still get shocked by nice comments. It's like I don't expect people to say "you look nice", because no one used to!

I spent Monday evening next door having a glass of Evian with the neighbours (ok they had Vodka, I had Evian!) Luke said to me, "I thought I saw you walking past the window the other day, but I had to look twice. I thought you were someone else!" and Rach said, "Yeah you look so slim". I spend so much time blushing now!!! Hahaha!

I have also been very restless lately. I've had a touch of S.A.D. and a little insomnia too. So January has been a tough month really. It's no wonder that the diet hasn't gone completely 100% so I can't beat myself up about it. I just need to find my zone again and move on. At the end of the day, I know that if I can get into this, then it will be this year that I reach my target. The only thing that could stop me. . . . is me.

Also having had a conversation with my brother last week, I know that his intentions are to either sell up or rent out our house and move abroad so I have some big decisions to make. Do I move abroad too. Start afresh somewhere else, knowing that the credit crunch is hitting globally and it is not the best time to do that, or perhaps I get someone to move in with me to pay Tom's half of the mortgage? Maybe I go along with the sale or rental and then move down to Portsmouth. I feel like I have all of these options now that I didn't have before because I was so trapped by the burden of a property. And then the thing that sits on my mind is that this time next year, I could be slim and living on an island in the sun. Is that just a dream???

Day 107 - Friday, 2nd January 2009

2009-01-02T04:38:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! OMG it's 2009.

Well. Lets see. New Year did not go to plan. The plan was to be back on LL and behaving. Didn't happen. Not only did I eat, which was bad enough, but I also DRANK! And boy did I drink. Malibu and Pepsi Max to start with. Then punch and then. TEQUILA! Oh god the Tequila.

Ra Ra was trying to set me up with her friend, Alan. I ended up with Sam. Again.

I was eating cake of Ra Ra's bloke Wayne's fingers. Oh it was very very bad.

Anyhoo. Short story. Got like no sleep. Fell over on the twister mat cus it was wet and landed really badly. I have now hurt my legs, my ass, my back and my hip! Thankfully Alan did give me a massage which was very nice and helped some of the back pain, and warmed me up.

New Years Day, we went for a walk to the beach and down the pier. Really nice to get out and some fresh air. Plus a bit of excercise to kill off some of those calories taken in liquid form had to be good right!? But then we had "brunch". What was I thinking?

It's like I'm running in a big circle screaming "all is lost, all is lost, abandon ship, all is lost". I just need to slow down a bit, chill and start thinking about what I am doing for once. I had no idea that it would be this hard to get back on this diet. It is harder doing this than it was starting in the first place.

I feel like banging my head against the wall just to try and knock some sense into me. And now, now I am sitting here in absolute agony with a cold that I am pretty sure I would not have had I have stuck to the plan.

From now on there will be no slipping from the plan. Lets try and get on with 2009 and forget about that nasty business with the erm December Indescretions!

Day 103 - Monday, 29th December 2008

2008-12-29T15:08:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has been 2 weeks since I have posted an entry here! And I've done over 100 days on Lighter Life. Well, actually I haven't! Let's face it, December was never going to be easy. Especially when I had to go to my parentals for Christmas Dinner and my daddy is a chef! It was just too hard to resist. I guess I wasn't as tough as I thought I was. It's just proving very hard to get back to the plan now.

I have to be fair to myself. I have not gone totally mad on it. I really have learnt a lot about my relationship with food. Like when it's time to stop. I didn't feel the need to eat past the point I felt full. Even to the extent that I left half of my Grandma-sized Portion of dinner and at least a third of the tiny portion of Gordon Ramseys After Eight Cake!

Perhaps it was a bonus that I had this little trial of the normal world because now I know that I can eat like a "normal" person. I don't have to go back to the way it was before.

Last night I tried to eat like I used to. I had sausages! Just a really bad idea. I felt just so sick and I even had to leave work early today because I thought I was going to be sick. I just need to find that piece of me that had the strength to do LL before.

Get back onto the right path. I can't risk gaining weight. Not when I have done so well this far. At my last weigh in on 22nd December I had lost 4 stone and 8 pounds. I had thrashed my Christmas Target and I was delighted. So what on earth makes me continue to nibble? I know, it seems like a good idea at the time. But it isn't, not really. I'm not going in the direction I want to be going!! But no more. Asking myself what I want, what I really want. I know that the answer is to keep losing weight. To be healthy and slim and continue getting this brilliant response off people. Not to keep eating and end up gaining that 4 stone again.

My auntie and uncle came down from Sunderland at the weekend and my auntie didn't believe I was me! And I was showing my dad some photos of me and my friends and my Dad said "who's that?" and it was me. He didn't believe me. The photo gave me some killer cheekbones!! So I am still getting those lovely comments. And my small jeans still fit! I am going to learn from this episode. But as of now, the episode, known as the "December Indescretion" is over.

Oh, funny thing. Over Christmas dinner, we were talking about diets! What an odd conversation to have whilst stuffing your face full of chocolate cake and wine?! Not me, that was the family. I have still stuck only to water!! Well, every little helps - plus having bought Daddy and Mother a Wii for Christmas, I did burn some Turkey and Chocolate calories on the Boxing. Owww that hurts!!

B x

Day 89 - Monday, 15th December 2008

2008-12-15T05:26:00.000-08:00

EEEEEEEEK! There are only 10 days left until Christmas!! I am sooooo excited, and yet slightly panicky as I still have not purchased of gifts for the parental units. Dunno what to get them. It's soooooo hard to think right now.

I had a not so good weekend food wise. I had a total lapse on Friday. Starting in the morning with the remains of my brothers chocolate that was in the fridge and ended with Spaghetti Bolognaise at my friends house. An interesting thing though. I have never been a fan of Spag Bol. However, that was the best thing that I have ever tasted in my life!!!

I can't wait until I do start eating again to see what other tastes I can discover!! Anyway, after Friday, I decided that I couldn't go on just eating I had to get back on plan and so whilst my friend was having her tattoo done, I decided to have my tongue pierced!

The way I see it, I now can't eat! Even if I want to!! I know, because I tried :( But it has given me the time I need to put things into perspective. What the hell was I thinking? I honestly do not know what frame of mind I was in. The only thing that I can think of is that this time of year is so stressful and food is so much in focus in everybody's minds that when I got a little stressed, the first thing that came to mind was food. And hence I ended up in the frige and down the chocolate before I even realised what the hell I was doing. And then when we got to tea time. It was like this little voice saying "well you've had that chocolate now. you may as well eat something proper".

I do also wonder if it had something to do with my low blood pressure last week, my lack of councelling session last week, this week being "ladie's week"? Perhaps a combination of all of that. All I know is that, I have done it now. I have had my lapse. I have to work out what I can learn from this! Thankfully, my weight has gone down on my scales. But only time will tell what happens on Wednesday!

In the meantime, I am concentrating on the positive things. I had a brilliant weekend. I am loving all of the new attention I am getting. Seriously, it's so new to me. I got one bloke who was just trying it on all night, then another bloke who was getting jealous of him and threatening to hit him. Then this lesbian tried it on with me, then a random at the bar asked me to marry him! It really was very very funny!!

All ended in me having to look after the drunk people!! Of course! Making cheesey chips and not being able to succomb to temptation as tongue was swollen and I was not able to swallow!!

But now I am back home. I am drinking my water as I can now swallow, although I can't say "s". Which is very annoying. Hope that stops soon!

Well, we shall have to take this week slowly and hope to god that Friday doesn't show too bad on the weigh in!

Day 85 - Thursday, 11th December 2008

2008-12-11T07:14:00.001-08:00

Oh for goodness sake. I lost 1lb last week. One solitary pound. I am NOT a happy bunny. I am not putting myself through this diet to lose a pound. And yes, I am having a damn tantrum. The main reason I chose lighter life was because of how much you lose in such a short amount of time. OK, so in fairness I have lost half a stone in the last two weeks. But it still doesn't make it easy to come to terms with a mear 1lb weight loss in a week.

I am working on it though. I just keep telling myself that I have now lost exactly 4 stone and even if it was a meagre 1lb, at least it was coming off and not going on!

And I must remember, that even if the scales are being ridiculous, my clothes all feel much much looser and I WANTED to lose slower anyway so that I did not end up having to run around the country trying to find a John Rocha dress in a size 18 for New Years Eve!

Perhaps next week I will have a HUGE weight loss and be gutted because my dress no longer fits me! Now that would be a travesty!

Well I am going shopping tonight (again) so that should cheer me up. I think I am just cranky because I have a headache. Rock concerts in the week are probably not the best idea really!! Hahaha!

Day 84 - Wednesday, 10th December 2008

2008-12-10T03:54:00.000-08:00

I am soo fricking cold. For a change. OK, so I went off to see the nurse for my check up and oh dear, she had to do a "best of three" as my bp was low! I was a little scared because i am not ready to give up. But finally, on the third attempt, it went up to normal. After thinking on this abit, I do wonder if it was because I had not had much water and I hadn't had a foodpack in 17 hours!!! So today, I have actually had breakfast. I know. BREAKFAST! I never have breakfast, or rather I didn't used to have breakfast. I am going to try and have the foodpacks in stages spread throughout the day, rather than all at once between 5pm and 10pm at night! Although in fairness that does seem to have been working for me. Until the low bp thing anyway!

I did need to have the breakfast shake this morning though because I am off to see Black Stone Cherry in Birmingham tonight and because last time I went off on no foodpacks I was sick, I need to make sure I have enough energy to keep me going!

Also, I have me penultimate foundation weigh in tonight. This week I will have my measurements taken, "after" photos done and get weighed. And next week will be my last week!! Oh god, how quickly has that gone!?

Then it's just a matter of "winging it" until my first developers session on 5th January 2009. Easy peasy. And I've rewarded myself a lot. I've bought new shoes, boots, clothes and tomorrow morning I am having my hair did!! To top it off, I'm going to Portsmouth to see the girls on Friday and we're planning to go get tattooed or pierced on Saturday. I'm thinking the tongue piercing may happen!!! We shall see. . . .

For now, I am just anxious for tonight. So long as I lose 2lb not only will I have hit that 4 stone mark, but also, I will have gone into my next number down!! EEEEK!

Day 82 - Monday, 8th December 2008

2008-12-08T02:20:00.000-08:00

I'm only 15 days off being in abstinance for a whole 100 days! I may have said this before, but honestly, if anyone had said to me 3 months ago that I would still be living off Water, Protein Shakes and cereal bars 82 days on, I would have told them they were stark raving bonkers! I think I've really started to understand that I don't NEED chocolate to live. I don't NEED fizzy drinks to survive. The importance of my existance is not determined by the amount of food I can shovel into my mouth! How come it has taken me this long and to go through something this extreme to realise that?

I am just so excited about the future now. It just seems that I can do anything now. Losing weight has been the biggest trial of my life. And surely, this is as tough as it gets! Right? Don't get me wrong, I know it's not all smooth sailing and lets face it I have a way to go yet until I'm at some kind of healthy weight. But I can definitely now see that I am on the right path. I only have to look at my latest comparison picture to see that! I did my latest comparison after I went out to buy my dress for New Years Eve.

I had seen this dress and I really wanted it. But I knew that they only had a size 20 left. I also knew that there was this huge differencial in sizes across the board. In one shop I may be 22 in another a 24 in another an 20 and on and on and on. So reluctantly I picked up the dress and two others, both in size 22's. Thinking the worst, I tried on the 22. And to my absolute shock, it was too big! Of course the next stage was to try on the 20. But I still kept thinking, "this is never going to fit me". And god dammit, it fit. So there I was prancing around the fitting rooms at Debenhams in this dress, getting all these lovely remarks from people in the waiting area. I don't think that has ever happened to me before. Usually people don't talk to me in fitting rooms, never mind tell me I look fabulous! A brilliant experience all in all. And I couldn't wait to share the dress! So I took a picture to send to my friend!

When I got home, I remembered that the last time I bought a dress was in July for my friends 21st birthday. I was 3 sizes bigger then. So I dug out the photo I knew that I had of me in that dress back in July. And when I put it side by side with the picture I took in the fitting rooms at Debenhams, I was in shock. How much have I shrunk? It's just unbelivable and definite inspiration to continue throughout Christmas and New Year. And now I can look forward to my baby brother's birthday in February. And an excuse for a new dress and a new comparison picture!

Day 78 - Thursday, 4th December 2008

2008-12-04T13:04:00.000-08:00

So at last nights session, our LLC was telling us about our options because I finish my foundation course on 17th December 2008. This basically is what I have decided!!

FINISH FOUNDATION: 17TH DECEMBER 2008

LAST WEIGH IN BEFORE XMAS: 22ND DECEMBER 2008

START FOUNDATION: 5TH JANUARY 2009

So for 2 weeks I have no group!! EEK!! I am hoping that it passes quickly. And bonus is that come 5th January when I go to my first developers session, I can hope for a good weight loss!! As one person said today, it'll be like an extra Christmas Present!!

I don't know why but the last week or so I have been feeling very weak, in the sense that I have now found myself at the fridge about to eat a kitkat on 2 occassions. On a more positive note, I have been able to have a chat with myself and ask myself why I needed it. And eventually talked myself out of it. I just hope I can keep it up!

Day 77 - Wednesday, 3rd December 2008

2008-12-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

What a night I had last night! Honestly, it was so freaking funny!! I took my friend and my cousin to Ikea after work. It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, but I did not think at all about the fact that I was hitting all of the works traffic, and it was foggy and icey so the roads were a total nightmare. Made worse by the fact that a lorry had gone over the central reservation and there was emergency service and highway maintenance everywhere!! Anyway, when we eventually go to Ikea I managed to buy myself a shelving unit and a blind for my house although, in true girlie fashion, I didn't get a desk which was the whole point of me going there in the first place!

Stewie promised that he would put up the blind for me in return for some Swedish Meatballs. I thought it was pretty much bargain. Labour for Meatballs. Genius. So we got home with far less trials and tribulations than on the way there. Although I think Stewie was having some kind of caveman moment and insisted on carrying the shelving unit across the carpark on his shoulder. I honestly thought, with the weight of it and the ice on the ground, he was gonna end up a pancake on the ground! Anyway, he didn't so it's by the by. Once we got home, Stewie started on the blind, I started on the shelving unit and Emma went to the shop for milk and cheese and cough sweets.

I almost bludgeoned myself to death with an Ikea flatpack! No, honestly I am serious. I dropped the whole pack on my knee, then when I opened the box, I managed to find the biggest bit of wood and dropped it on my head! It's amazing I am alive to tell the tale really.

Well, with The Incredibles and Stewie swearing at the blind as our background noise, Emma and I managed to put up a whole shelving unit from flatpack to workable piece of furniture. I was quite proud of myself!

Stewie then had to hold the breakfast bar up when we took the legs off to get the unit inderneath! I know, I do like to torture him. But he is a man and their main function in life is to do our bidding!!

You would think after all of this we would have had enough. No. Not a chance. Emma and I rearanged my living room (Stewie still finishing putting the blind up!) we put the Christmas Tree up (Stewie still finishing putting the blind up!) we decorated the tree (Stewie still finishing putting the blind up!) and we cleaned the lounge (Stewie still finishing putting the blind up!) ready for a chillax and a hot chocolate, when Stewie finally finished the blind!

I think this proves women are far superior to men! Even when it comes to DIY!!

Anyway, enough manbashing now! I have a new blind, I have a tidyish house and I have my tree up! It's a great feeling I must say. Next, just have to do wrapping of presents - oh, I actually managed to purchase of black gift wrap in Ikea! I tell you that place has actually got everything! So I have to rearrange for 2 re-deliveries of packages and pick another up from Mother's house tonight before councelling. Who knows, at this rate, I could have everything bought, wrapped and under my tree before I go to Portsmouth next weekend.

I'm just waiting for something to go wrong now! Am I letting in a negative thought or am I being realistic? Weigh in in t-minus 3 hours and 11 minutes. We'll soon find out . . . .

Some hours later . . .

EEEK! I have lost another 6lb. I am 2lb away from 4 stone. And also, I have lost 54lb in total - my half century. Yippee! So next week, all I have to do is lose a minimum of 2lb and not only am I past the 4 stone mark, but also into my next stone number. Oh so exciting!

Day 76 - Tuesday, 2nd December 2008

2008-12-02T06:28:00.000-08:00

Yey!! It's December, and officially, I can start jumping around like a 5 year old child for the next 22 days! OK, so I can't partake in the festive yummies, but for the last few weeks, I have been trying vey vey hard to think of other things to be excited for about Christmas and it seems to have worked because I am looking forward to this Christmas much more than I can remember being in previous years. Perhaps I'm starting to realise what it's all about. I mean, having the family round (those that get along anyway!) and sitting by the fire and watching soppy films. I have decided that in order for me to not think about the Christmas Dinner, on the actual day itself, I am buying a jigsaw. Yes it may seem extraordinarily sad, and it sure as hell does sweet f.a. for my rock chick image, but having spent bloody hours doing one the other week (I will not be beaten by a stupid bit of cardboard!) I figure at least it will keep me occupied.

And, I am also hoping that my lovely friends give me fun things for Christmas. Anything to kill the couple of hours when everyone is eating.

Next weigh in is tomorrow and I can't believe how fast this week has gone, it has litterally flown by. Hopefully by next weeks weigh in, I will have possession of all of the presents that I have bought and can start wrapping - if I can ever find any black gift wrap!! Speaking of next week's weigh in, it's week 13 next week. And I get my "after" picture done. Unfortunately I can't stay for my councelling session cus I am going to see Black Stone Cherry! So I will be spending the evening jumping around in a mosh pit. Yey! But, fear not, I have learnt my lesson about the Carling Academy. I have purchased of some ear plugs so I don't have three days of deafness afterwards!!! I have a feeling that December will fly by!

Day 74 - Sunday, 30th November 2008

2008-11-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

Well this week has gone pretty smoothly if I do say so myself. I have started and almost finished my Christmas Shopping. Basically, I only have Mum, Daddy and Baby Bro left to buy for. And goddammit, don't you know they are the most difficult to buy for. I have no idea what to get for them!

One particularly amazing thing did happen this week though. I went to Westfield Centre in Derby to do some Christmas Shopping on Thursday night, and I found a fantastic dress in Rocha. John Rocha at Debenhams [Pictured Left]. That I could actually fit in by New Year!

It's really exciting this going down the clothes sizes. Although, in fairness, it could be crazy expensive, if I let it be!! And I do have lots of clothes to keep me until I get to like a size 16. But it's just those special occassions that I have to buy for and that can be expensive. Especially when I keep finding shoes and bags [pictured right] too!

Day 70 - Wednesday, 26th November 2008

2008-11-26T04:45:00.000-08:00

Time is just flying. Which is not good because quite frankly I am getting nothing done. I haven't started my Christmas Shopping yet, which is worrying me. And worse still, I still don't have the foggiest what I need to buy. I need a holiday. Just to chill out and think about what I need to do in less than a month!! Eeeek! And oh my god, I'm on Day 70!

To add to my stress, I have lost my mobile and it's like losing a limb. Honest to God, I don't know people coped before there was mobile phones! I'm basically going to rip my house apart when I get home. Because it has to be somewhere. It's ringing when I call it, so I'm pretty sure it's not been nicked. This is a nightmare.

Oh and my stomach hurts and I have this total craving for chicken. And yes, there is this part of me saying, what's the harm in a bit of chicken. But I don't want to break the abstinence. It might start there, but where would it end? So I have reasoned that it's crazy to risk the last 69 and a half days for a bite of chicken!

Instead I will wait anxiously for tonight's weigh in. I will so be having my cranberry bar as soon as I've weighed in! I can't understand this, I was so confident earlier in the week, and today I am feeling really anxious about the dreaded scales. I can totally see a huge difference in my body now, so why are those damn numbers so important to me? I am just praying for 4lb to get to my 3 and a half stone and I am hoping that if I don't get the 4lb, that I am not too disappointed. So I guess in a way, by being this anxious about jumping on the scales I am preparing myself just incase I don't do as well as I hope.

I worked out today that I have to lose another 2 stone and 9lb to get me to my lowest weight, which is where I was when I went to Sri Lanka 2 years ago and it took me a whole year to lose the 5 stone odd that was required to get me there. Whereas now, I have lost 3stone and 3lb in 10 weeks. I just hope the next 2 stone and 9lb comes off as quickly!

In fact, I feel another target and another ticker coming on . . .

Getting Back to Pre-Sri Lanka Weight

Ah, I feel a little bit better with a smaller target to achieve!! But we'll see how much we can knock off that once tonight's weigh in is over with! I have my fingers crossed!

Day 69 - Tuesday, 25th November 2008

2008-11-25T03:11:00.000-08:00

OMG, one month till Chrismas! And I haven't even started my Christmas Shopping. I wish I had the faintest idea what to buy for people! But my mind is drawing a total blank. I think I am going to destroy my scales! They told me I have put weight on last night! I wish they'd make their mind up! Be nice to me, make me suffer, just tell me the correct weight god dammit! Anyway, I am noticing changes in my body so I suppose that has to count for something right, so who cares what the stupid scales say! I'm just going to drink my water and hope for the best tomorrow night. Hmmm, I guess that means I have turned a corner. In my previous weight loss attempts, I have gone off on a bender eating anything in sight if I thought I had put weight on. My feeling was always, "it doesn't matter now, I've put weight on anyway so I may as well eat and I can start again next week". But thoughts like that just haven't even crossed my mind. I've just been thinking that I want to stick to this, and even thoughts like "I should start swimming again" have crossed my mind! I am hoping that in the New Year I can start swimming before work. At the moment, I need to try and get myself to bed at night!! Because I can barely get up for work on time, let alone make it to the leisure centre for 7am!

And it seems that having my brother home is not yet driving me barmy. It is true that I did spend an hour and a half cleaning up after him last night but I am hopeful that it was a one off. Guess my positivity didn't dwindle off into insignificance after all!

Day 68 - Monday, 24th November 2008

2008-11-24T01:47:00.000-08:00

Wow! What a weekend it has been! Saturday night was awesome. I had a fantastic time. I had to get a new top on Saturday, so I tootled off into town. Went into New Look and picked up a nice top in a size 22. Thought, well I know I was a 22/24 a couple of weeks ago and so it's a safe bet. So I tried it on and it was too big! So I had to buy the size 20. This means I have got through 3 dress sizes in 2 months!! I have had to order my team t shirt for new years eve in an 18! Eek!

I even managed to get my ass into the "small" sized leggings, which are meant for size 16-18, yes I am aware that it is stretch fabric, but still felt good to pick up the "small" size! And I think they will last me a good couple of months at least!

So my cousin and I went off to Birmingham to meet some friends. Friends who have not seen me since August. Over 3 Stone ago!

It was great seeing them. They all said the nicest things to me, like that I looked gorgeous and that I was fabulous and one them told me she was so proud of me and that I looked amazing already she couldn't wait to see me in another 3 months! Ah I do love a good "stroke".

I made sure that I had two food packs during the day this week, to give my body a little fuel. Then had steady amounts of water throughout the day too.

And that is why, after a whole night of bouncing around and dancing, I was not ill this week! However, at around 2.45am, I did start to feel a huge pain across my stomach. As I assessed the pain, I soon realised that not only had I discovered a new muscle, I had managed to pull it as well!! Ah such a bitter sweet moment. It didn't half hurt! By the time we got home, about 3.30am, I did hurt quite a bit, I could feel my legs and ass and hips and stomach aching. And I'm starting to like it. My cousin said to me that if you can feel the pain, you know you're burning off some fat! And I hope she's right because my scales tell me I'm 4lb down! And that would be awesome. The best thing is that unlike last week, when I couldn't move the day after, this week I was just a little stiff. Maybe in a few more weeks, I'll be able to get up and start all over again! It'll be like being 16 again!

Oh, yes, fabulous moment at the weekend when I got ID'd getting into this club!! The bouncer, sorry "door man", told me he honestly thought I was not 18. He wouldn't have ever thought I was 26. And he then asked me if I was Irish because I had Irish eyes and Irish eyes were very sexy! OMG! It's been ages since a bloke landed a line like that to me!! Hahaha!

And then finally my brother returned home at 2.30 this morning! And when I woke this morning, my house looked like a bomb had hit it. It took him and his mate 6 hours to destroy what I had done in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that his return and complete lack of regard for my feelings does not destroy my good feelings and mood this last two weeks, but I don't hold out much hope. Bye bye happiness . . . .

Day 64 - Thursday, 20th November 2008

2008-11-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

I am in such a fabulous mood it is amazing. Partly, this is to do with my ongoing good mood that has been me for the past two weeks. Part of it is because I lost 6lb this week!! Oh yes. It is true. It is DAMN true! And it now means that I have kicked through that 3 stone wall!! I have now lost over 3 stone in 9 weeks. I am chuffed to bits.

It seems that last weekend, all of that jumping around like a loon, all of the dancing and possibly the being sick, it was all worth it. Just to get to that point; the 3 stone milestone.

So this week, I like 4lb. It would take me to my 3 and a half stone point. That would be awesome!! So I guess, this week I need to knuckle down, do a little bit of excercise - though not to the point where I am sick. Don't think that's really advisable!

But I am going off to Birmingham dancing again on Saturday so that should be much fun! Also, I am busy planning my next jaunt to Portsmouth. 12th December for the weekend. See my bestest buds! Missing them like crazy! We've done nothing but chat on facebook for the last three days! It's been great fun.

So the plan is to go down to Portsmouth that weekend and we're dressing up in Santa outifts on the Saturday night and going to a Rock club. Should be a right giggle. And I am hoping to have lost another stone by then. 3 weeks to go, it's do-able!!

Must work on the water though!!

Day 62 - Tuesday, 18th November 2008

2008-11-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

I have sat here in my Office Oven(!) trying to work out for the longest time why the hell I am feeling hungry! But finally, I think I have the solution. I knew when I started LL that one of my biggest triggers with food was boredom, when there is nothing else to do, have something to eat. Of course that's not healthy in the slightest. I think I can now recognise this in my present situation! Having had a relatively busy morning, this afternoon has gone comparitively slowly. And I am finding myself with time to think. Which, in fairness, can be a little bit dangerous! And as I sit here thinking about it more, it seems obvious to me that the hunger I think I feel now, is not hunger at all, but boredom!

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I could get away with if I were to "cheat". But the thing that keeps coming to me is that the only person I would really be cheating is myself. So many people have said that to me in the past, and I have just brushed it off. It didn't matter to me what they thought. But now, I understand what they were trying to tell me, and most importantly of all. I actually think that I am accepting the philosophy behind that statement. I mean at the end of the day, is it worth risking everything I have done this far for one meal, for one snack. Would it not be better to wait? To continue on the plan until the time I am ready to start eating conventional foods again? Why is it that you understand these things, but you just never accept them? I have known all of this for so many years. I have known what not to eat, what I should be doing, but I have never accepted it. And I don't know why! Perhaps this is a lesson yet to be learnt. Something I have to find out from a little bit more soul searching and a little interaction with my group tomorrow.

I honestly cannot wait for tomorrow night. I don't think I have ever been this excited about a weigh in before. Ever. I remember a few weeks ago that I was dreading going because I felt horrible and bloated. And ever since I spoke to my group about my anxieties surrounding the weigh ins and really realised that I was comparing this situation to a weigh in at Slimming World, where you never know if you have lost, or indeed if you have gained. I just had to be reminded until it sunk in that I am losing weight. I have gone almost 9 weeks now without gaining any weight so why in the blue hell would I think I had? I haven't "cheated"! So of course I will lose. I think I was starting to accept that philosophy last week. But I have had to wait until now until I had that "Eureka" moment to fully appreciate it. I know the numbers on the scales will go down. The only question now is, how much by?

I guess I have to wait until tomorrow to find that out!

But in the back of my head, although I am happy that I am making all of this progress both physically with the weightloss and psychologically, I know it is only because I have had the space to do that this week. I don't know what will happen when I have no sanctuary in my house next week. My brother returns home on Friday night. And I am anxious that the stress will return with him. I really don't want to let it happen. I am hoping that he is willing to make a few changes for me so that I don't have to come home to a living room full of fag ends and empty beer cans from him and his mates that he can't be bothered to clear up! It appears, my new challenge has presented itself. And it's well and truly taken the form of SMELLY BOYS!