The Amazing Adventures of Bekimo!

Day 141 - Wednesday, 4th February 2009

2009-02-04T04:20:00.000-08:00

I have had the most trying week and I supersize failed. I mean I went onto a whole new level of lapsing and actually binged. Everything got on top of me and turned to the only thing I knew I could turn to. Food. I have been so stressed out at work, the weather has got me really down. Everyone else is sooo super happy we have snow, and I usually love snow, but it's just made me so depressed. Then I was feeling sorry for myself because I forgot to tax my car. Stupid, I know, but I was like overly emotional so that turned into this great ordeal. Being left stranded without a car, trying to get my so called friend to pick me up from work but she made some pants excuse that later turned out to be a lie because she wanted to go and see her new boyfriend instead. Call me an over-emotional drama queen if you want, but I have this really big problem where I judge people on what I would do. And I would never have left my friend stood in the snow in heels freezing her ass off just because I wanted a damn booty call. Not impressed. It all kicked off last week because my stupid ass mother got done for drink driving. What is it with the whole old school rural farming types where they think that kind of behaviour is acceptable? She could have killed herself. Or someone else. So anyway, now I am worrying because after she goes to court, likelihood is she will get banned for a couple of years. So guess who will have to play taxi. Now I don't mind this, but my worry comes because I don't want to feel like taking my mum and grannies out will become a chore. Which inevitably it will. I guess I'm just down because I feel like people are starting to act differently around me. Maybe this is because I am changing in myself not just physically but with my personality too. Or perhaps it has to do with them changing their opinions of me because they are so used to me being "the fat girl". I'm by no means slim now, but I am not as big as I was and this shows by strangers' attitudes to me too. I am just finding it a little difficult to get used to the attention and I'm still always on the defensive. I do sometimes wonder whether I am sabotaging myself on purpose because I am scared so much of this huge change I am making. or whether I am so annoyed that other people are so superficial to be treating me differently now. Even that "now people are treating me better, I can go back to normal". Although this isn't even true because people who know me are in some cases distancing themselves from me.

Most of all, I am annoyed at my brother. Last year I did a lot for him. Especially when he became unemployed. I had to subsidise him and pay all of the bills myself, subsequently I got myself into a bit of debt and my credit rating has suffered because of it. He got a new job in at the end of Summer, and he paid me back what he owed me. But since September, he has not paid a thing. So I am back to paying all of the bills again. It's crippling me. Not only all of this, but I did not get a thank you and he forgot my birthday. It is his birthday today and part of me wants to ignore it. But the other part of me still thinks that he is my brother and so I should buy him a present to show that I do care. But then doesn't that make me a bit of a chump?

I think I am getting to the bottom of why I have binged this last week. It was so back to that whole secret eating thing. I just stowed away in my room and binged because at the time, I felt so alone and food was my only friend. I know that is not true. I have some really good friends. If I can just remember to focus on the good things when all these negative things are going on in my head I will have a much better time of sticking to the plan. I do deserve this. Why do I care what other people think so much?

OK, so I'm going to think positively. Something good did happen this week. Though it didn't manage to pull me through my bubble of gloom. I went out at the weekend with my friends. We had an awesome time. So much fun. I did ache like hell for two days afterwards tho. Jumping around in a mosh pit for 3 hours probably wasn't the best plan in the world. But it was better than the MacDonald's that I ate on the way home! And I really don't like MacDonald's!!

Day 133 - Tuesday, 27th January 2009

2009-01-27T06:20:00.000-08:00

So I guess that today is the calm after the awesomeness that was yesterday! I am still smiling though. I am just amazed at how far I have come in four months. The last time I successfully lost weight was with Slimming World and I lost 4 and a half stone. It took me exactly one year. And here I am now, having lost 5 stone and 2 pounds in 4 months. (More weight in a third of the time!!) Just focusing on my next mini goal. I am still going for that "moving target" as well as my milestones to see if it helps at all in keeping me focused. So ideally I want to lose 5lb this week. It will take me to my 5 and a half stone marker. I won't be disappointed with 4lb but I really want to go for 5lb. I think it is achievable. I am going to be far more active this week. Sorting out my house and starting swimming and walking on a regular basis. Also I am going to increase my water intake this week, see if this makes a difference at all.

Tonight I also need to get and sort out my bedroom. After Friday night's argument with the wardrobe, I have clothes everywhere. I am finally going to finish bagging everything up and load it into my car ready to take to charity shops/recycling centre tomorrow. All of that hauling rubbish up and down stairs is bound to burn some fat off, right!? And then I can have an early night and get up extra early to go for a swim in the morning before work. Now I am not an early riser, so this is going to be tough. But I have to do it.

Once I get into a routine, it will get easier, but I am preparing myself for a rough ride to begin with! And I have the rest of the week planned out with increasing the activity I am doing. It's a good time to begin because so much needs doing in the house at the moment and housework per se is always a good base to start off with!! People are always saying that you burn up so many calories doing the vacuuming etc.... Well, time to see if it does make that big of a difference!!!

Day 132 - Monday, 26th January 2009

2009-01-26T03:58:00.000-08:00

I can think of about a million cliches right now but I'm sticking to, damn this month has flown by! I can't believe we will be in February by the end of the week. It doesn't seem like NYE was two minutes ago! I think though, although time has passed quickly that January has been a very productive month for me with regards to my thoughts. It still needs some work but I am focused and raring to continue down this path to a new slimmer, happier me. I'm ready for just about anything that life throws at me and there will be no more "f**k it, I'll just eat this once!"

Looking forward, I am aiming that February is going to be busy and fun and frantic and I'm going to try new things. No more "No, I can't do that". It's positive thinking from here on in. Why not just try something new? Yes, it can be scary and daunting but you know what? I am sick of sitting on the sidelines. I wanna play the damn game already!!

In 6 hours I shall be at my weigh in and I think this is the most excited that I have been for a weigh in yet. It's like this is the first week again! I wonder how I can keep up this interest and excitement for the duration? I think it was my brother who said to me at the weekend that this should be a moving target, so that every week you have something to aim for. That way, you never get bored. Perhaps that it where I went wrong last time? By focusing on the end point of the foundation course and not seeing past that I may have sabotaged my own attempts. If I can now say that this week I want to achieve this, and then reset that goal next week, and the week after then I will always have a goal that is close and achieveable. Whether I will tire if that I don't know. But it is worth a try. Anything to keep me out of that hole I fell into after Christmas!

So my aim this week is 4lb. If I have lost 4lb tonight I will have hit my "FIVE STONE LOST" milestone! I hope that I have done enough to get there!! Fingers crossed!

Several Hours Later . . . .

OMG! Just got back from weigh in! It's amazing. I lost 6lb. So I have now lost over 5 stone, I'm half way to my goal and I've lost 25% of my starting weight too. Wow. That's a lot of milestones in one day! 5lb next week and it's 5 and a half stone!! Super excited!

Day 131 - Sunday, 25th January 2009

2009-01-25T09:59:00.000-08:00

Have done my days wrong!! My lovely friend Andy told me I have been doing this for 131 days not 129 days. But can't be bothered to change all the titles now! So you'll just have to forgive me, I can't help having blonde days now!!
This weekend has been good fun. I went out with the girls for a boogie on Friday night [Pictured Above] had a right giggle. But had a trauma getting dressed as I have like no clothes for going out. So on Saturday I went to town and did some spending and made use of my student card. I bought more pants, pyjamas, vest tops, all size 16-18!!! Wow. Can't believe I am sitting here writing this in my size 16-18 Pyjamas and they fit really nicely. Eeek!
I've also been a very naughty girl and jumped on the scales today. According to them, I have lost more than 5 stone in total since I started LL. I cannot wait until I get to weigh in tomorrow to find out for really what my actual weight loss is this week. Ok, so I haven't been amazing on my water intake, but as for sticking to the plan with having 4 food packs a day, I have been perfect. And I have done a bit of excercise too!!
Just need to keep this up, get the water intake right and continue to increase the excercise every week and I will be finished before I know it!!

Day 127 - Friday, 23rd January 2009

2009-01-23T03:54:00.000-08:00

Oh yesterday was so good. I really enjoyed it. There were plans made, there was much giggling and it was totally random. Which I loved. Today has been horrible. I am growing more and more annoyed by this guy that I have to work with. He is one of the directors and he is responsible for the "quality assurance". But he's from the era where the boss was supposed to bark orders at people and demand things and shout at people. He's rude, obnoxious and driving me quite mad.

I am going to try and focus on the positive though. This guy is so not important enough to affect me and make me less happy. I have to think of all of the things that made me smile yesterday. All of the plans made for 2009. Sod him. Who cares about him? Just because he's a miserable little man doesn't mean that he can bring me down to his level! Hmmph! I shall use my stubborness here I think. I shall not be miserable because of some jumped up little twerp!!

Oooh, that was easy. I feel much better now!

In the meantime, I shall think about tomorrow. Busy myself because weekends without food are hard work. So I need to pick up my Ann Summers parcel from the Post Office in the morning, then I might have a wander around town for a little while. Do some window shopping! Buy a Barcelona guidebook and a Disneyland Resort Paris guidebook. For the trips to plan in March and December.

Then I can go home and have a clean up! Oooh, I could buy some paint for my room. Or the living room, that needs doing and I bet it burns up hundreds of calories!! Hmmm... more thought required me thinks. Then by the evening I shall be ready for a nice hot bath and a relaxing night in.

Hoping to go for a big long walk on Sunday. Can get my head straight and ready for the week ahead. Ooh I'm all excited for the weekend now. Right, so having now established that I can use this method of "making plans" when I am feeling a little pissed off/annoyed/stressed/upset. Hopefully I can use this as a little bit of a replacement for food. I used to just eat to make myself feel better before. But this makes me feel so much happier than that did. Because I have something to aim for. Perhaps today isn't totally horrible after all!!!

Day 127 - Thursday, 22nd January 2009

2009-01-22T07:26:00.000-08:00

I am so freakin excited. I really can't control myself at all. I just have this stupid huge grin plastered on my face and I don't care what happens, it is not shifting. I have been spontaneous. And I like it! Ok, so what happened was that my lovely friend, Ra Ra told me she had a week off in March, and I was like, "I have 8 days to use before May, what can I possibly do!?" and three hours later, I have booked the same week off work and we've booked 4 days in Barcelona for £118.00!! Bargain.

I am trying not to think about the whole diet thing at the moment and just enjoy the positive things like being in my favourite city in the whole world again! Eeek! And it will be the first time I have been on an aeroplane since Florida last year and that was a tight squeeze. I am hopeful that I will have lost another 2 stone by then, so I can run around Barcelona without getting out of breath and I won't even think about the fact that I have "missed out" on food because I will be having too much fun trying to get all of the sights in over 4 days!!

It gives me something else to aim for too! I realised today that my interim target (to get to the same weight I was when I was in Sri Lanka) is a mear 16lb away now! I can do that. It's soooo close I can almost taste it! I'm pretty sure that I will get there by Valentine's Day. And maybe even another stone and a half by Barcelona. I feel so good about 2009. It really is looking like a good year. My diary is filling up and I am shrinking by the second. Must remember this thought for the next time I think "that biscuit won't hurt"!

Day 126 - Wednesday, 21st January 2009

2009-01-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

Well I got through yesterday without a single blip. And today is going well so far. I have had to hide the biscuits in the office again. I figure, if I can't see them then I can't hear them. I also managed to contain myself when the housemates came back with Pizza last night. I can do this. I know I can. I find myself constantly saying "No, I don't need it" and "what's more important here? A biscuit or a size 14 and a free trip to New York?"

Shallow? Yes. Working? Yes!!

Unfortunately I did not go swimming as I had a head ache, but we shall try again! I am so completely focused now. I just need to up the water, do some excercise and I am sorted until Summer. I hope to be in the management stage of my Lighterlife journey in May. I'm not setting it as a goal, because I don't want to be frustrated if I am not where I want to be by May. It might be June or even July (God help me if it is!) but I just know now that the end is in sight. But it will only be in sight so long as I stay on track.

And I have lots to keep me motivated in the meantime. Although a few obstacles to overcome. Between now and Valentines Day though, I have nothing that could get in my way. I have no excuses. So I won't worry about that until it's here.

Day 125 - Tuesday, 20th January 2009

2009-01-20T06:13:00.000-08:00

Well, January is not going as I had hoped. I cannot for the life of me get out of this lapsing rut. I'll be ok for a bit and then head turns to mush and I go all gaga and eat something. I don't know what is happening. I think maybe that part of it is that I am getting so close to my interim goal that I am gettin complacent and start thinking that I can get away with just a bite of this. But that one bite is NEVER just one bite. It's just ends up rolling all out of control and before I know it, I've eaten a three course meal including a steak, which (a) I don't even like and (b) I am not supposed to eat because it does, and did in fact, cause me to have the most horrendous gall stone attacks. I was so close to being in A&E on Saturday night. And it was all my own very stupid fault.

It's the main reason that on Sunday, I went through my whole wardrobe and tried everything on! Well that was some inspiration. So many clothes just do not fit me anymore, they are falling off me. All the clothes that are left are from the time I was an 18-20 previously and I was really happy. So I am hoping that wearing these clothes now will help me to stay focused on where I want to be. Because all of those big clothes are gone now. There is no going back. Unless I go back naked!
I also tried on some old clothes that are 4/5 sizes too big now. And obviously had to photograph the moment!! I can't believe how big I was. There was a part of me who couldn't see any change at all. And this shut her up good and proper! Those trousers in the picture on the right hand side used to be TIGHT on me! I could almost fit another person in there now and I'm not at goal yet.

It's an interesting time because I am so happy at the progress I have made so far and I want so much to get to a point where I feel that I'm "right". But I just seem to have hit this lapsing obstacle and I don't know how to get past it. I am determined to try though. Just get past it. The way I see it, the better behaved I am, the faster the weight will come off and the quicker I get to goal and be able to get into a "normal" eating regime. I don't want to go mad. I just want to be able to eat like a "normal" person!! I don't think I have ever said that before. I think before it has always been, "I'll lose the weight and then I'll go back to eating what I did before" mentality. Gee, I guess I am making some progress.

Two bonuses of the lapsing thing. I have learnt a few things about food that I eat and how it affects my body. Like I eat crap, I feel sick. I eat healthy food, I don't feel sick! Simple yes, but did I really feel that crappy all the time? I remember saying "I feel sick" a lot but I never thought it was because of the horrible food I was eating!

The other thing is that my body has had a rest from the quick weight loss and I can feel the difference. Because I've remained within a half stone bracket for the last month, I think my body has had a chance to readjust. I have a new shape. And even though I haven't lost as much, clothes are getting looser! But that is now excuse to lapse. It would have happened at the end anyway!!!

Onward to the end of this journey. No more lapsing!!

Day 120 - Thursday, 15th January 2009

2009-01-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

Just realised I hadn't put up my latest comparison pictures, and I love doing these because I can see then how far I have come. So I am doing that today. The "before" photos were taken at V Festival in August 2008. The "after", or "during" as I prefer to label them were taken on New Years Eve 2008. Just 4 and a half stone later!!

You must excuse the cigar, New Years Eve was a big lapsing day for me and I drank for the first time in 3 months. Therefore, crazy things happened that I would not normally have done. God I miss drinking!!!!

Anyway, I like to do the comparison photos and I keep a photo diary as well, just so that I can see the changes in me. I think it's really crazy that I look in the mirror and I can remember what I looked like before and so I think I still look the same. And so now, looking back at how big I was in August, I honestly can't believe it is me. I guess I never truly looked at pictures of myself until now, when I am looking through them trying to find one of my where I am not hiding behind someone else!!

I have kept that blue top I wore at V. I wonder what it looks like now!?

I can so guess how my photo obsession is going to develop from here! Seriously, I am getting an addiction to taking pictures now. I guess I am just catching up on the many many years of taking pictures of everyone else and hiding from the camera myself!

I have also made a decision that I am going to go back to swimming next week. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday maybe? 3 days definitely. I will ponder it over the weekend. But I am looking forward to it. Just need to make sure I have a swimming costume that fits now!!! And this weekend, I am going to break in my winter walking boots. Bought them months ago, not worn them in yet. I know, I just kept making excuses not to go, to put it off until next week. But now I am ready to start that whole "excercise" thingy. GULP! Walking and swimming is pretty easy going though. At least I am easing myself in gently! There shall be no swimsuit photos though. I can tell you that right now!!!

Day 119 - Wednesday 14th January 2009

2009-01-14T13:49:00.000-08:00

Well I have been a bit lazy on here of late, but as has become my motto of late, "better late than never"!

So what's new? Well I have now lost 4 stone and 12 pounds since September. I am back on track after the horribleness of Xmas and New Year that caused a 1 pound weigh gain. I have found it really difficult to get back on to the diet since the December indiscretions. But hopefully, it's all over now. I've now stepped into what seems to be a parallel universe though. I need to learn that someone giving me a compliment is not a shocking occurence. I'm just not used to people telling me I look good but they are telling me that. And scarily frequently too!

I saw Dani today, and i haven't seen her in months. In fact I have been racking my brain trying to work it out, it must be 6 months or so since I last saw her. At least. She walked in and the first thing she said was "look at you skinny minnie"! It's not that I don't like getting comments like that, I love it and it spurs me on, but I still get shocked by nice comments. It's like I don't expect people to say "you look nice", because no one used to!

I spent Monday evening next door having a glass of Evian with the neighbours (ok they had Vodka, I had Evian!) Luke said to me, "I thought I saw you walking past the window the other day, but I had to look twice. I thought you were someone else!" and Rach said, "Yeah you look so slim". I spend so much time blushing now!!! Hahaha!

I have also been very restless lately. I've had a touch of S.A.D. and a little insomnia too. So January has been a tough month really. It's no wonder that the diet hasn't gone completely 100% so I can't beat myself up about it. I just need to find my zone again and move on. At the end of the day, I know that if I can get into this, then it will be this year that I reach my target. The only thing that could stop me. . . . is me.

Also having had a conversation with my brother last week, I know that his intentions are to either sell up or rent out our house and move abroad so I have some big decisions to make. Do I move abroad too. Start afresh somewhere else, knowing that the credit crunch is hitting globally and it is not the best time to do that, or perhaps I get someone to move in with me to pay Tom's half of the mortgage? Maybe I go along with the sale or rental and then move down to Portsmouth. I feel like I have all of these options now that I didn't have before because I was so trapped by the burden of a property. And then the thing that sits on my mind is that this time next year, I could be slim and living on an island in the sun. Is that just a dream???

Day 107 - Friday, 2nd January 2009

2009-01-02T04:38:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! OMG it's 2009.

Well. Lets see. New Year did not go to plan. The plan was to be back on LL and behaving. Didn't happen. Not only did I eat, which was bad enough, but I also DRANK! And boy did I drink. Malibu and Pepsi Max to start with. Then punch and then. TEQUILA! Oh god the Tequila.

Ra Ra was trying to set me up with her friend, Alan. I ended up with Sam. Again.

I was eating cake of Ra Ra's bloke Wayne's fingers. Oh it was very very bad.

Anyhoo. Short story. Got like no sleep. Fell over on the twister mat cus it was wet and landed really badly. I have now hurt my legs, my ass, my back and my hip! Thankfully Alan did give me a massage which was very nice and helped some of the back pain, and warmed me up.

New Years Day, we went for a walk to the beach and down the pier. Really nice to get out and some fresh air. Plus a bit of excercise to kill off some of those calories taken in liquid form had to be good right!? But then we had "brunch". What was I thinking?

It's like I'm running in a big circle screaming "all is lost, all is lost, abandon ship, all is lost". I just need to slow down a bit, chill and start thinking about what I am doing for once. I had no idea that it would be this hard to get back on this diet. It is harder doing this than it was starting in the first place.

I feel like banging my head against the wall just to try and knock some sense into me. And now, now I am sitting here in absolute agony with a cold that I am pretty sure I would not have had I have stuck to the plan.

From now on there will be no slipping from the plan. Lets try and get on with 2009 and forget about that nasty business with the erm December Indescretions!

Day 103 - Monday, 29th December 2008

2008-12-29T15:08:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has been 2 weeks since I have posted an entry here! And I've done over 100 days on Lighter Life. Well, actually I haven't! Let's face it, December was never going to be easy. Especially when I had to go to my parentals for Christmas Dinner and my daddy is a chef! It was just too hard to resist. I guess I wasn't as tough as I thought I was. It's just proving very hard to get back to the plan now.

I have to be fair to myself. I have not gone totally mad on it. I really have learnt a lot about my relationship with food. Like when it's time to stop. I didn't feel the need to eat past the point I felt full. Even to the extent that I left half of my Grandma-sized Portion of dinner and at least a third of the tiny portion of Gordon Ramseys After Eight Cake!

Perhaps it was a bonus that I had this little trial of the normal world because now I know that I can eat like a "normal" person. I don't have to go back to the way it was before.

Last night I tried to eat like I used to. I had sausages! Just a really bad idea. I felt just so sick and I even had to leave work early today because I thought I was going to be sick. I just need to find that piece of me that had the strength to do LL before.

Get back onto the right path. I can't risk gaining weight. Not when I have done so well this far. At my last weigh in on 22nd December I had lost 4 stone and 8 pounds. I had thrashed my Christmas Target and I was delighted. So what on earth makes me continue to nibble? I know, it seems like a good idea at the time. But it isn't, not really. I'm not going in the direction I want to be going!! But no more. Asking myself what I want, what I really want. I know that the answer is to keep losing weight. To be healthy and slim and continue getting this brilliant response off people. Not to keep eating and end up gaining that 4 stone again.

My auntie and uncle came down from Sunderland at the weekend and my auntie didn't believe I was me! And I was showing my dad some photos of me and my friends and my Dad said "who's that?" and it was me. He didn't believe me. The photo gave me some killer cheekbones!! So I am still getting those lovely comments. And my small jeans still fit! I am going to learn from this episode. But as of now, the episode, known as the "December Indescretion" is over.

Oh, funny thing. Over Christmas dinner, we were talking about diets! What an odd conversation to have whilst stuffing your face full of chocolate cake and wine?! Not me, that was the family. I have still stuck only to water!! Well, every little helps - plus having bought Daddy and Mother a Wii for Christmas, I did burn some Turkey and Chocolate calories on the Boxing. Owww that hurts!!

B x

Day 89 - Monday, 15th December 2008

2008-12-15T05:26:00.000-08:00

EEEEEEEEK! There are only 10 days left until Christmas!! I am sooooo excited, and yet slightly panicky as I still have not purchased of gifts for the parental units. Dunno what to get them. It's soooooo hard to think right now.

I had a not so good weekend food wise. I had a total lapse on Friday. Starting in the morning with the remains of my brothers chocolate that was in the fridge and ended with Spaghetti Bolognaise at my friends house. An interesting thing though. I have never been a fan of Spag Bol. However, that was the best thing that I have ever tasted in my life!!!

I can't wait until I do start eating again to see what other tastes I can discover!! Anyway, after Friday, I decided that I couldn't go on just eating I had to get back on plan and so whilst my friend was having her tattoo done, I decided to have my tongue pierced!

The way I see it, I now can't eat! Even if I want to!! I know, because I tried :( But it has given me the time I need to put things into perspective. What the hell was I thinking? I honestly do not know what frame of mind I was in. The only thing that I can think of is that this time of year is so stressful and food is so much in focus in everybody's minds that when I got a little stressed, the first thing that came to mind was food. And hence I ended up in the frige and down the chocolate before I even realised what the hell I was doing. And then when we got to tea time. It was like this little voice saying "well you've had that chocolate now. you may as well eat something proper".

I do also wonder if it had something to do with my low blood pressure last week, my lack of councelling session last week, this week being "ladie's week"? Perhaps a combination of all of that. All I know is that, I have done it now. I have had my lapse. I have to work out what I can learn from this! Thankfully, my weight has gone down on my scales. But only time will tell what happens on Wednesday!

In the meantime, I am concentrating on the positive things. I had a brilliant weekend. I am loving all of the new attention I am getting. Seriously, it's so new to me. I got one bloke who was just trying it on all night, then another bloke who was getting jealous of him and threatening to hit him. Then this lesbian tried it on with me, then a random at the bar asked me to marry him! It really was very very funny!!

All ended in me having to look after the drunk people!! Of course! Making cheesey chips and not being able to succomb to temptation as tongue was swollen and I was not able to swallow!!

But now I am back home. I am drinking my water as I can now swallow, although I can't say "s". Which is very annoying. Hope that stops soon!

Well, we shall have to take this week slowly and hope to god that Friday doesn't show too bad on the weigh in!

Day 85 - Thursday, 11th December 2008

2008-12-11T07:14:00.001-08:00

Oh for goodness sake. I lost 1lb last week. One solitary pound. I am NOT a happy bunny. I am not putting myself through this diet to lose a pound. And yes, I am having a damn tantrum. The main reason I chose lighter life was because of how much you lose in such a short amount of time. OK, so in fairness I have lost half a stone in the last two weeks. But it still doesn't make it easy to come to terms with a mear 1lb weight loss in a week.

I am working on it though. I just keep telling myself that I have now lost exactly 4 stone and even if it was a meagre 1lb, at least it was coming off and not going on!

And I must remember, that even if the scales are being ridiculous, my clothes all feel much much looser and I WANTED to lose slower anyway so that I did not end up having to run around the country trying to find a John Rocha dress in a size 18 for New Years Eve!

Perhaps next week I will have a HUGE weight loss and be gutted because my dress no longer fits me! Now that would be a travesty!

Well I am going shopping tonight (again) so that should cheer me up. I think I am just cranky because I have a headache. Rock concerts in the week are probably not the best idea really!! Hahaha!

Day 84 - Wednesday, 10th December 2008

2008-12-10T03:54:00.000-08:00

I am soo fricking cold. For a change. OK, so I went off to see the nurse for my check up and oh dear, she had to do a "best of three" as my bp was low! I was a little scared because i am not ready to give up. But finally, on the third attempt, it went up to normal. After thinking on this abit, I do wonder if it was because I had not had much water and I hadn't had a foodpack in 17 hours!!! So today, I have actually had breakfast. I know. BREAKFAST! I never have breakfast, or rather I didn't used to have breakfast. I am going to try and have the foodpacks in stages spread throughout the day, rather than all at once between 5pm and 10pm at night! Although in fairness that does seem to have been working for me. Until the low bp thing anyway!

I did need to have the breakfast shake this morning though because I am off to see Black Stone Cherry in Birmingham tonight and because last time I went off on no foodpacks I was sick, I need to make sure I have enough energy to keep me going!

Also, I have me penultimate foundation weigh in tonight. This week I will have my measurements taken, "after" photos done and get weighed. And next week will be my last week!! Oh god, how quickly has that gone!?

Then it's just a matter of "winging it" until my first developers session on 5th January 2009. Easy peasy. And I've rewarded myself a lot. I've bought new shoes, boots, clothes and tomorrow morning I am having my hair did!! To top it off, I'm going to Portsmouth to see the girls on Friday and we're planning to go get tattooed or pierced on Saturday. I'm thinking the tongue piercing may happen!!! We shall see. . . .

For now, I am just anxious for tonight. So long as I lose 2lb not only will I have hit that 4 stone mark, but also, I will have gone into my next number down!! EEEEK!

Day 82 - Monday, 8th December 2008

2008-12-08T02:20:00.000-08:00

I'm only 15 days off being in abstinance for a whole 100 days! I may have said this before, but honestly, if anyone had said to me 3 months ago that I would still be living off Water, Protein Shakes and cereal bars 82 days on, I would have told them they were stark raving bonkers! I think I've really started to understand that I don't NEED chocolate to live. I don't NEED fizzy drinks to survive. The importance of my existance is not determined by the amount of food I can shovel into my mouth! How come it has taken me this long and to go through something this extreme to realise that?

I am just so excited about the future now. It just seems that I can do anything now. Losing weight has been the biggest trial of my life. And surely, this is as tough as it gets! Right? Don't get me wrong, I know it's not all smooth sailing and lets face it I have a way to go yet until I'm at some kind of healthy weight. But I can definitely now see that I am on the right path. I only have to look at my latest comparison picture to see that! I did my latest comparison after I went out to buy my dress for New Years Eve.

I had seen this dress and I really wanted it. But I knew that they only had a size 20 left. I also knew that there was this huge differencial in sizes across the board. In one shop I may be 22 in another a 24 in another an 20 and on and on and on. So reluctantly I picked up the dress and two others, both in size 22's. Thinking the worst, I tried on the 22. And to my absolute shock, it was too big! Of course the next stage was to try on the 20. But I still kept thinking, "this is never going to fit me". And god dammit, it fit. So there I was prancing around the fitting rooms at Debenhams in this dress, getting all these lovely remarks from people in the waiting area. I don't think that has ever happened to me before. Usually people don't talk to me in fitting rooms, never mind tell me I look fabulous! A brilliant experience all in all. And I couldn't wait to share the dress! So I took a picture to send to my friend!

When I got home, I remembered that the last time I bought a dress was in July for my friends 21st birthday. I was 3 sizes bigger then. So I dug out the photo I knew that I had of me in that dress back in July. And when I put it side by side with the picture I took in the fitting rooms at Debenhams, I was in shock. How much have I shrunk? It's just unbelivable and definite inspiration to continue throughout Christmas and New Year. And now I can look forward to my baby brother's birthday in February. And an excuse for a new dress and a new comparison picture!

Day 78 - Thursday, 4th December 2008

2008-12-04T13:04:00.000-08:00

So at last nights session, our LLC was telling us about our options because I finish my foundation course on 17th December 2008. This basically is what I have decided!!

FINISH FOUNDATION: 17TH DECEMBER 2008

LAST WEIGH IN BEFORE XMAS: 22ND DECEMBER 2008

START FOUNDATION: 5TH JANUARY 2009

So for 2 weeks I have no group!! EEK!! I am hoping that it passes quickly. And bonus is that come 5th January when I go to my first developers session, I can hope for a good weight loss!! As one person said today, it'll be like an extra Christmas Present!!

I don't know why but the last week or so I have been feeling very weak, in the sense that I have now found myself at the fridge about to eat a kitkat on 2 occassions. On a more positive note, I have been able to have a chat with myself and ask myself why I needed it. And eventually talked myself out of it. I just hope I can keep it up!

Day 77 - Wednesday, 3rd December 2008

2008-12-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

What a night I had last night! Honestly, it was so freaking funny!! I took my friend and my cousin to Ikea after work. It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time, but I did not think at all about the fact that I was hitting all of the works traffic, and it was foggy and icey so the roads were a total nightmare. Made worse by the fact that a lorry had gone over the central reservation and there was emergency service and highway maintenance everywhere!! Anyway, when we eventually go to Ikea I managed to buy myself a shelving unit and a blind for my house although, in true girlie fashion, I didn't get a desk which was the whole point of me going there in the first place!

Stewie promised that he would put up the blind for me in return for some Swedish Meatballs. I thought it was pretty much bargain. Labour for Meatballs. Genius. So we got home with far less trials and tribulations than on the way there. Although I think Stewie was having some kind of caveman moment and insisted on carrying the shelving unit across the carpark on his shoulder. I honestly thought, with the weight of it and the ice on the ground, he was gonna end up a pancake on the ground! Anyway, he didn't so it's by the by. Once we got home, Stewie started on the blind, I started on the shelving unit and Emma went to the shop for milk and cheese and cough sweets.

I almost bludgeoned myself to death with an Ikea flatpack! No, honestly I am serious. I dropped the whole pack on my knee, then when I opened the box, I managed to find the biggest bit of wood and dropped it on my head! It's amazing I am alive to tell the tale really.

Well, with The Incredibles and Stewie swearing at the blind as our background noise, Emma and I managed to put up a whole shelving unit from flatpack to workable piece of furniture. I was quite proud of myself!

Stewie then had to hold the breakfast bar up when we took the legs off to get the unit inderneath! I know, I do like to torture him. But he is a man and their main function in life is to do our bidding!!

You would think after all of this we would have had enough. No. Not a chance. Emma and I rearanged my living room (Stewie still finishing putting the blind up!) we put the Christmas Tree up (Stewie still finishing putting the blind up!) we decorated the tree (Stewie still finishing putting the blind up!) and we cleaned the lounge (Stewie still finishing putting the blind up!) ready for a chillax and a hot chocolate, when Stewie finally finished the blind!

I think this proves women are far superior to men! Even when it comes to DIY!!

Anyway, enough manbashing now! I have a new blind, I have a tidyish house and I have my tree up! It's a great feeling I must say. Next, just have to do wrapping of presents - oh, I actually managed to purchase of black gift wrap in Ikea! I tell you that place has actually got everything! So I have to rearrange for 2 re-deliveries of packages and pick another up from Mother's house tonight before councelling. Who knows, at this rate, I could have everything bought, wrapped and under my tree before I go to Portsmouth next weekend.

I'm just waiting for something to go wrong now! Am I letting in a negative thought or am I being realistic? Weigh in in t-minus 3 hours and 11 minutes. We'll soon find out . . . .

Some hours later . . .

EEEK! I have lost another 6lb. I am 2lb away from 4 stone. And also, I have lost 54lb in total - my half century. Yippee! So next week, all I have to do is lose a minimum of 2lb and not only am I past the 4 stone mark, but also into my next stone number. Oh so exciting!

Day 76 - Tuesday, 2nd December 2008

2008-12-02T06:28:00.000-08:00

Yey!! It's December, and officially, I can start jumping around like a 5 year old child for the next 22 days! OK, so I can't partake in the festive yummies, but for the last few weeks, I have been trying vey vey hard to think of other things to be excited for about Christmas and it seems to have worked because I am looking forward to this Christmas much more than I can remember being in previous years. Perhaps I'm starting to realise what it's all about. I mean, having the family round (those that get along anyway!) and sitting by the fire and watching soppy films. I have decided that in order for me to not think about the Christmas Dinner, on the actual day itself, I am buying a jigsaw. Yes it may seem extraordinarily sad, and it sure as hell does sweet f.a. for my rock chick image, but having spent bloody hours doing one the other week (I will not be beaten by a stupid bit of cardboard!) I figure at least it will keep me occupied.

And, I am also hoping that my lovely friends give me fun things for Christmas. Anything to kill the couple of hours when everyone is eating.

Next weigh in is tomorrow and I can't believe how fast this week has gone, it has litterally flown by. Hopefully by next weeks weigh in, I will have possession of all of the presents that I have bought and can start wrapping - if I can ever find any black gift wrap!! Speaking of next week's weigh in, it's week 13 next week. And I get my "after" picture done. Unfortunately I can't stay for my councelling session cus I am going to see Black Stone Cherry! So I will be spending the evening jumping around in a mosh pit. Yey! But, fear not, I have learnt my lesson about the Carling Academy. I have purchased of some ear plugs so I don't have three days of deafness afterwards!!! I have a feeling that December will fly by!

Day 74 - Sunday, 30th November 2008

2008-11-30T07:14:00.000-08:00

Well this week has gone pretty smoothly if I do say so myself. I have started and almost finished my Christmas Shopping. Basically, I only have Mum, Daddy and Baby Bro left to buy for. And goddammit, don't you know they are the most difficult to buy for. I have no idea what to get for them!

One particularly amazing thing did happen this week though. I went to Westfield Centre in Derby to do some Christmas Shopping on Thursday night, and I found a fantastic dress in Rocha. John Rocha at Debenhams [Pictured Left]. That I could actually fit in by New Year!

It's really exciting this going down the clothes sizes. Although, in fairness, it could be crazy expensive, if I let it be!! And I do have lots of clothes to keep me until I get to like a size 16. But it's just those special occassions that I have to buy for and that can be expensive. Especially when I keep finding shoes and bags [pictured right] too!

Day 70 - Wednesday, 26th November 2008

2008-11-26T04:45:00.000-08:00

Time is just flying. Which is not good because quite frankly I am getting nothing done. I haven't started my Christmas Shopping yet, which is worrying me. And worse still, I still don't have the foggiest what I need to buy. I need a holiday. Just to chill out and think about what I need to do in less than a month!! Eeeek! And oh my god, I'm on Day 70!

To add to my stress, I have lost my mobile and it's like losing a limb. Honest to God, I don't know people coped before there was mobile phones! I'm basically going to rip my house apart when I get home. Because it has to be somewhere. It's ringing when I call it, so I'm pretty sure it's not been nicked. This is a nightmare.

Oh and my stomach hurts and I have this total craving for chicken. And yes, there is this part of me saying, what's the harm in a bit of chicken. But I don't want to break the abstinence. It might start there, but where would it end? So I have reasoned that it's crazy to risk the last 69 and a half days for a bite of chicken!

Instead I will wait anxiously for tonight's weigh in. I will so be having my cranberry bar as soon as I've weighed in! I can't understand this, I was so confident earlier in the week, and today I am feeling really anxious about the dreaded scales. I can totally see a huge difference in my body now, so why are those damn numbers so important to me? I am just praying for 4lb to get to my 3 and a half stone and I am hoping that if I don't get the 4lb, that I am not too disappointed. So I guess in a way, by being this anxious about jumping on the scales I am preparing myself just incase I don't do as well as I hope.

I worked out today that I have to lose another 2 stone and 9lb to get me to my lowest weight, which is where I was when I went to Sri Lanka 2 years ago and it took me a whole year to lose the 5 stone odd that was required to get me there. Whereas now, I have lost 3stone and 3lb in 10 weeks. I just hope the next 2 stone and 9lb comes off as quickly!

In fact, I feel another target and another ticker coming on . . .

Getting Back to Pre-Sri Lanka Weight

Ah, I feel a little bit better with a smaller target to achieve!! But we'll see how much we can knock off that once tonight's weigh in is over with! I have my fingers crossed!

Day 69 - Tuesday, 25th November 2008

2008-11-25T03:11:00.000-08:00

OMG, one month till Chrismas! And I haven't even started my Christmas Shopping. I wish I had the faintest idea what to buy for people! But my mind is drawing a total blank. I think I am going to destroy my scales! They told me I have put weight on last night! I wish they'd make their mind up! Be nice to me, make me suffer, just tell me the correct weight god dammit! Anyway, I am noticing changes in my body so I suppose that has to count for something right, so who cares what the stupid scales say! I'm just going to drink my water and hope for the best tomorrow night. Hmmm, I guess that means I have turned a corner. In my previous weight loss attempts, I have gone off on a bender eating anything in sight if I thought I had put weight on. My feeling was always, "it doesn't matter now, I've put weight on anyway so I may as well eat and I can start again next week". But thoughts like that just haven't even crossed my mind. I've just been thinking that I want to stick to this, and even thoughts like "I should start swimming again" have crossed my mind! I am hoping that in the New Year I can start swimming before work. At the moment, I need to try and get myself to bed at night!! Because I can barely get up for work on time, let alone make it to the leisure centre for 7am!

And it seems that having my brother home is not yet driving me barmy. It is true that I did spend an hour and a half cleaning up after him last night but I am hopeful that it was a one off. Guess my positivity didn't dwindle off into insignificance after all!

Day 68 - Monday, 24th November 2008

2008-11-24T01:47:00.000-08:00

Wow! What a weekend it has been! Saturday night was awesome. I had a fantastic time. I had to get a new top on Saturday, so I tootled off into town. Went into New Look and picked up a nice top in a size 22. Thought, well I know I was a 22/24 a couple of weeks ago and so it's a safe bet. So I tried it on and it was too big! So I had to buy the size 20. This means I have got through 3 dress sizes in 2 months!! I have had to order my team t shirt for new years eve in an 18! Eek!

I even managed to get my ass into the "small" sized leggings, which are meant for size 16-18, yes I am aware that it is stretch fabric, but still felt good to pick up the "small" size! And I think they will last me a good couple of months at least!

So my cousin and I went off to Birmingham to meet some friends. Friends who have not seen me since August. Over 3 Stone ago!

It was great seeing them. They all said the nicest things to me, like that I looked gorgeous and that I was fabulous and one them told me she was so proud of me and that I looked amazing already she couldn't wait to see me in another 3 months! Ah I do love a good "stroke".

I made sure that I had two food packs during the day this week, to give my body a little fuel. Then had steady amounts of water throughout the day too.

And that is why, after a whole night of bouncing around and dancing, I was not ill this week! However, at around 2.45am, I did start to feel a huge pain across my stomach. As I assessed the pain, I soon realised that not only had I discovered a new muscle, I had managed to pull it as well!! Ah such a bitter sweet moment. It didn't half hurt! By the time we got home, about 3.30am, I did hurt quite a bit, I could feel my legs and ass and hips and stomach aching. And I'm starting to like it. My cousin said to me that if you can feel the pain, you know you're burning off some fat! And I hope she's right because my scales tell me I'm 4lb down! And that would be awesome. The best thing is that unlike last week, when I couldn't move the day after, this week I was just a little stiff. Maybe in a few more weeks, I'll be able to get up and start all over again! It'll be like being 16 again!

Oh, yes, fabulous moment at the weekend when I got ID'd getting into this club!! The bouncer, sorry "door man", told me he honestly thought I was not 18. He wouldn't have ever thought I was 26. And he then asked me if I was Irish because I had Irish eyes and Irish eyes were very sexy! OMG! It's been ages since a bloke landed a line like that to me!! Hahaha!

And then finally my brother returned home at 2.30 this morning! And when I woke this morning, my house looked like a bomb had hit it. It took him and his mate 6 hours to destroy what I had done in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that his return and complete lack of regard for my feelings does not destroy my good feelings and mood this last two weeks, but I don't hold out much hope. Bye bye happiness . . . .

Day 64 - Thursday, 20th November 2008

2008-11-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

I am in such a fabulous mood it is amazing. Partly, this is to do with my ongoing good mood that has been me for the past two weeks. Part of it is because I lost 6lb this week!! Oh yes. It is true. It is DAMN true! And it now means that I have kicked through that 3 stone wall!! I have now lost over 3 stone in 9 weeks. I am chuffed to bits.

It seems that last weekend, all of that jumping around like a loon, all of the dancing and possibly the being sick, it was all worth it. Just to get to that point; the 3 stone milestone.

So this week, I like 4lb. It would take me to my 3 and a half stone point. That would be awesome!! So I guess, this week I need to knuckle down, do a little bit of excercise - though not to the point where I am sick. Don't think that's really advisable!

But I am going off to Birmingham dancing again on Saturday so that should be much fun! Also, I am busy planning my next jaunt to Portsmouth. 12th December for the weekend. See my bestest buds! Missing them like crazy! We've done nothing but chat on facebook for the last three days! It's been great fun.

So the plan is to go down to Portsmouth that weekend and we're dressing up in Santa outifts on the Saturday night and going to a Rock club. Should be a right giggle. And I am hoping to have lost another stone by then. 3 weeks to go, it's do-able!!

Must work on the water though!!

Day 62 - Tuesday, 18th November 2008

2008-11-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

I have sat here in my Office Oven(!) trying to work out for the longest time why the hell I am feeling hungry! But finally, I think I have the solution. I knew when I started LL that one of my biggest triggers with food was boredom, when there is nothing else to do, have something to eat. Of course that's not healthy in the slightest. I think I can now recognise this in my present situation! Having had a relatively busy morning, this afternoon has gone comparitively slowly. And I am finding myself with time to think. Which, in fairness, can be a little bit dangerous! And as I sit here thinking about it more, it seems obvious to me that the hunger I think I feel now, is not hunger at all, but boredom!

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I could get away with if I were to "cheat". But the thing that keeps coming to me is that the only person I would really be cheating is myself. So many people have said that to me in the past, and I have just brushed it off. It didn't matter to me what they thought. But now, I understand what they were trying to tell me, and most importantly of all. I actually think that I am accepting the philosophy behind that statement. I mean at the end of the day, is it worth risking everything I have done this far for one meal, for one snack. Would it not be better to wait? To continue on the plan until the time I am ready to start eating conventional foods again? Why is it that you understand these things, but you just never accept them? I have known all of this for so many years. I have known what not to eat, what I should be doing, but I have never accepted it. And I don't know why! Perhaps this is a lesson yet to be learnt. Something I have to find out from a little bit more soul searching and a little interaction with my group tomorrow.

I honestly cannot wait for tomorrow night. I don't think I have ever been this excited about a weigh in before. Ever. I remember a few weeks ago that I was dreading going because I felt horrible and bloated. And ever since I spoke to my group about my anxieties surrounding the weigh ins and really realised that I was comparing this situation to a weigh in at Slimming World, where you never know if you have lost, or indeed if you have gained. I just had to be reminded until it sunk in that I am losing weight. I have gone almost 9 weeks now without gaining any weight so why in the blue hell would I think I had? I haven't "cheated"! So of course I will lose. I think I was starting to accept that philosophy last week. But I have had to wait until now until I had that "Eureka" moment to fully appreciate it. I know the numbers on the scales will go down. The only question now is, how much by?

I guess I have to wait until tomorrow to find that out!

But in the back of my head, although I am happy that I am making all of this progress both physically with the weightloss and psychologically, I know it is only because I have had the space to do that this week. I don't know what will happen when I have no sanctuary in my house next week. My brother returns home on Friday night. And I am anxious that the stress will return with him. I really don't want to let it happen. I am hoping that he is willing to make a few changes for me so that I don't have to come home to a living room full of fag ends and empty beer cans from him and his mates that he can't be bothered to clear up! It appears, my new challenge has presented itself. And it's well and truly taken the form of SMELLY BOYS!

Day 61 - Monday, 17th November 2008

2008-11-17T16:31:00.000-08:00

I must stop weighing myself. My scales are telling me I have lost 4lb, although yesterday they said 6lb!!? I am just being happy that the numbers are going downwards! Which is excellent news. I am really enjoying the shrinking!! Hahaha!

I can even see the difference now . . . I mean feeling the difference is one thing, and I can't say I haven't noticed it after last weekend. But, actually seeing it there in photo form, wow. Still a way to go, but we're getting there! Woohoo!

I have to wait until wednesday to be sure, but I'll wager that I'll have lost a total of 3 stone by then! Wow. Three stone in like 2 months. That's just the tiniest bit breathtaking!

I have found that I am finding new things to keep me occupied without my beloved food though! Like for example, blogging away my life here, planning for Orlando 2009 and spending all my time in the Minimims forum! Which is in fact what I was doing today. I started off at work, climbing up the filing cabinets to clean and tidy. Although the phone would not stop ringing, which needless to say is not helpful when you are firmly wedged between the ceiling and the filing cabinet! Anyhoo, after climbing off the furniture, catching up with a months worth of filing and archiving and once the phone stopped ringing for five minutes, I ended up on the internet and apart from the occassional break to do something or other work related, stayed there for the most part of the afternoon!

It's great to have that extra support there, because I don't have my group or LLC there all of the time and my skinny friends really do not understand my situation!!

In one month, I will have finished my foundation stage. I know its a cliche, but I honestly do not know where the last 9 weeks have gone! I am absolutely astounded by how far I have come on my journey already! I can hardly wait to see what the next 9 weeks bring!

Day 60 - Sunday, 16th November 2008

2008-11-16T10:49:00.000-08:00

Well last night I went out for my cousins birthday. We had a really good night. Five girls, all having a fabulous night together. My other cousin made an amazing cake, thankfully it looked so good (she decorated it like a pink castle) that nobody wanted to cut into it, so there was no way I could be tempted by it!

But honestly, I can't remember the last time I had so much fun in town. Usually, it's dead boring, but perhaps because I am feeling more confident, it was easier for me to let my hair down so to speak.

So I stuck to water all night. Drank loads the stuff!! And we danced all night. It's amazing that before I started LL, just under 3 stone ago, there is no way I could have danced my way through even a couple of songs before my feet started hurting and I was out of breath. And now in the past week, I have had two nights of jumping around like a loon without any breathing issues or troublesome feet. I've even compared the gig I went to on Thursday night to the last gig I went to, which would have been at V festival. I had to leave half way through the Prodigy's set because I was in so much pain from my feet.

Give me a few months, when I go to see the Prodigy in April and we'll see how much better I feel then. If I have made this much progress already!

Back to last night though, I was loving the girls being together and having fun, my cousin was loving that it was the first birthday for that she can remember that she actually enjoyed, and everyone said that I was living proof you don't need to drink to have a good time! On top of all of this, I am starting to get used to male attention! I even had to fight one of them off me - that was fun. Not!

Towards the end of the night, I was getting a little bit of a headache though. I don't know why, I can't work it out! Whether it was tiredness or what, but by the time I got home - via the kebab shop that I was able to resist, to my delight - I had a really horrible headache and I felt really light headed and very sick. I did wonder if it was because I needed a foodpack. So I had a hot chocolate and a couple of panadol and sat down with the girls! Yes, I sat there with my hot chocolate while they all sat there with the kebabs and chips, and I am proud to say it didn't bother me one little bit.

Five minutes later though, I threw up. I just have no idea what that's all about. I mean it's typical isn't it. I'm the one not drinking. And yet, I'm the one who's sick! Everyone says, "Oh that'll be great not drinking. just think, no headache, no being sick." How wrong were they?

I wonder if it has some bearing on me doing too much. Perhaps dancing and jumping about for 5 hours is a little too much when I'm only taking in 500 calories a day and I'd only had like 125 at that point! I guess it's another question to pose to my counceller. See if she can shed some light on it.

Sunday has been long though. Fetching and carrying grannies and taking them for lunch. Such fun. Parentals back on Saturday. CAN'T WAIT!!

Day 59 - Saturday, 15th November 2008

2008-11-15T04:21:00.000-08:00

I've had a pretty funny couple of days it has to be said. On Thursday, I went to see Bullet for My Valentine at Carling Academy in Birmingham. It was really good. But I did get carried away, jumping around like a loon for 4 hours. (Most of that was during "bleeding through", the support band. Wow. I am in love! Brandon the lead singer [picture left] is the hotness!) But in fairness all this jumping about is not something that I could have done a few weeks ago, I didn't once get out of breath, and my feet didn't ache from standing all that time. I just had a really good night. But I did get really hot from all the jumping, moshing, and being in such close proximity to hundreds of people did get really warm and sweaty, so by 11 o'clock when we were leaving the venue, all three of us were stripping off layers of clothes! So there I was, in my jeans that I bought 2 years ago and wore for the first time Thursday night and a tiny spaghetti string vest top, wandering through Birmingham City Centre. And I didn't care one bit. I wasn't self conscious at all, I was just having a good time with my girls! I even got beeped at by men in cars and some dude was hollering out of the window at me, not that I had a clue what he was saying as my ears were still ringing from being so close to the speakers all night! I was deaf as a post!

We had such fantastic fun! Brilliant night! And then, there was Friday morning! I woke up, unable to move! My neck and back were in agony. My legs and my arms were aching and I was cut and bruised. I counted 5 fresh bruised just on one leg! And my head was pounding. There was no way I was going to work. I couldn't even get out of bed! At about lunchtime, I managed to get downstairs. I had to go over to my grandma's in the afternoon, but I knew there was no way I was getting back upstairs in the state I was in! So, I went over to my Grandma's in my pyjama's! I just figured, "sod it". Anyway, some guy was staring at me as I left the house in my winnie the pooh pj's and almost fell off his bike, so that amused me for a while.

So last night I spent the night at Grandma's. Watched Children in Need, played on the computer. It was very chilled out, but yet in comparison to Thursday nights crazy antics, I was so very bored!!! Funny really!

I'm now waiting to hear from my cousin what she wants to do today! There was talk about ice skating and clubbing, my head is up for it. But I'm not sure if my body is! It's still in shock from Thursday night! She better call soon because Grandma is going on about where I can take her today, and I'm like, "I do have a life you know!". The woman is NEVER happy! I mean, I am spending tomorrow with her, and today with my friends, but no, I must spend every waking moment with her or she whinges!

We'll have to wait and see what today brings!

Day 56 - Wednesday, 12th November 2008

2008-11-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

It's weigh in day and I have definitely lost my weigh in book. I might have been a little too aggressive with my de-cluttering and throwing things into bin bags! Oops! Well, hopefully my councellor will be kind enough to get me a new one!

I have been thinking a lot about my last session. I think it helped me more than any of the others because I finally was able to pin point where my addiction to food began and from that I can see a few of my triggers, most importantly why I put the weight back on last time.

We shall see what tonight brings . . .

Well, I have just got back from my councelling session and I am now officially on week 9!! Damn that's gone quick. In the last 9 weeks I have lost 39lb - just 3lb short of 3 stone! And that'll be achieved next week for sure. Damn. Just thinking about that, I've lost almost 3 stone in 2 months! That's INSANE!

I only wish I had found this diet sooner. I feel like I have wasted so much time. But not anymore. I am determined that I will never be in this position again. This 39lb - it's off for ever! Oh, I have another goal too! It's to lose 21lb (1 and a half stone) by Christmas, I've lost 3lb this week, so only 18lb to go!

I actually feel like I am starting to be more positive, not just FEEL more positive, but actually BE more positive. It's so exciting. Thinking of the weeks and months ahead. I have a lot to be thankful for, a lot to look forward to, and lots to get excited about!!

Day 55 - Tuesday, 11th November 2008

2008-11-11T06:30:00.000-08:00

I've just this minute got back from the doctors surgery. I have had my 2nd check up since starting lighter life. In the last four weeks, I have lost weight, my blood pressure has come down and my pulse has come down too. The nurse was really pleased and was sufficiently shocked when she worked out that I had lost 1 stone in the last 4 weeks that it made me smile! I am trying not to think about the fact that according to her scales, I have only lost 1lb this week. Because I can't remember how much the scales were out from the lighterlife ones last time. And I was wearing boots. And I still have a day to go!

I get my measurements done tomorrow, so that will give me some more incentive to keep going. I am at least sure going in to my weigh in tomorrow that I will have lost. I think it is the first time since I started that I am not thinking "oh, what if I have put weight on!?" Yes I am thinking "oh but what if I only lose 1lb" but to be honest, it's better than the original thought and like I've said before, it's all about baby steps.

The most bizarre thing happened though. I have lost a bottle of water. It was on my desk and now it is gone. I think either someone broke into my office and stole it or I am officially losing my marbles. Honestly I have no idea where it is. And I was using it to measure the amount of water I am drinking. I have found a litre one now. So less trips to the sink to fill up, but still, the mystery of the missing bottle continues!

I am thinking about tonight, I am going to see Grandma again. I am a little annoyed actually. Because, although I love her to bits she is really peeing me off with her constant guilt trips. My brother is staying with her overnight, but she's not happy with that she wants me to stay too, and when I explain to her that I have to go home as my foodpacks and my toothbrush are there and as there is a carpet van in front of our house, blocking the view from the street, I need to make sure we haven't been broken into, and I want just a few minutes of my day for myself as I have been with her for 5 hours, she gets all shirty. She's going on that my brother doesn't get home til early hours and she's on her own until then. For goodness sake, I stayed with her until he got home last night and she still wasn't happy. There is no pleasing some people. I took her to see my auntie because she was whinging about sitting on her own all night, I took her out for lunch, I stayed with her last night til baby bro got home, and I'm doing the same tonight. I'm not moving into mum's until the parentals come home. No matter how much she tries to guilt me into it. At the end of the day, my other Grandma is not as capable of looking after herself as she is. But she doesn't have to have someone with her 24-7! I probably wouln't be this annoyed but my auntie offered for her to stay with her for the fortnight as she would be at home all the time, but Grandma said no!! Old people are officially impossible! Rant over now, I am going to try and be more patient. But it is NOT a strong point of mine. It is no coincidence that I have never had children!!

Day 54 - Monday, 10th November 2008

2008-11-10T04:42:00.000-08:00

Ah, Monday. My absolute least favourite day of the week. Some mornings, expecially when it is so cold, I am so completely happy to stay snuggled up in my duvet. But alas, here I am in my little office enclosed by mountains of files as I have officially run out of storage in teeny weeny office. My heater is on full blast, I am stuffed into thick fleece jacket and I am still very cold and I am seriously not happy that I have to eat my peanut bar cold. I have grown accustomed to it warm. When its a little bit gooey and it tastes far nicer and much less like sawdust. Not that I have ever eaten sawdust before!!!?!
However, even through all of this, I am getting through the water and I am feeling very optimistic now. I am resolute to the fact I am going to get bored with the water and the bars and eventually the shakes. I am going to really fancy that pizza that my lovely cousin left so openly in the oven. But I think at the moment I am content at plodding along on the diet until such time as I reach goal. I'll worry about the rest when I get there!
Hmm. . . I'm liking this new laid back approach to life. I wonder if I can continue it even when the rabble return to 229?? Doubtful. It'll return to stressville then I guess.
But then I thought that work what going to be horrendous today, but I have bee pleasantly surprised, yes it has been rough, and I had to shout at the director for getting pissy at me for no reason but he apologised to me so that got sorted. I just have this office to sort out and invoices to raise. Nice, easy, low stress jobs. And I've even worked in a 10 minute break for a bottle of water, couple of bites of peanut bar (I think it's going to take 3 hours to eat again!) and to do some much needed blogging!! We'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. But for the moment I am very much enjoying the time I have to sit and really think about choices I have made in the past and what I want to change going forward. This weight issue, it's just the beginning. . .

Day 53 - Sunday, 9th November 2008

2008-11-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

A good weekend. I have got through all of my foodpacks, I am getting through all that water and I am feeling less bloated and (thank goodness) less hormanal. In fact, after spending the whole weekend decluttering my house, I am in a state of complete calm right now. Shut away in my little house with Pinky the Laptop and "Fringe" on Sky Plus. Ah it's bliss, just for a change to have no chaos in this place. Just a complete chillout for me. Ahhhhh! I'm just appreciating it while it lasts. Because I am damn sure it won't last forever. And of course it shouldn't! I mean where would be the fun in being alone and calm and chilled with no chaos, no noise, no stupidity for you whole live. No thank you!

I am quite excited about this coming week now. I have an appointment with my nurse to get my check up. Make sure my pulse and blood pressure are ok. I've got my weigh in. And then I'm going to see Bullet for my Valentine. And Rache is coming up to see me this weekend too. All is good! Oh, but I do I have work tomorrow and from the sounds of it, the "poop" will be hitting the fan! Joy!

Just finished last foodpack of the day. I think I have a teeny weeny addiction to Hot Chocolate!! Well, at least it's good for me!

Must seriously start Christmas Shopping. It's only a few weeks away and I haven't even started. Also have got to sort out a get together for the girls. Preferably, something that doesn't involve food, but I have a feeling with it being Christmas, it is more than likely going to involve a meal. That'll be fun. I hope I have the strength to get through December!! Suppose I'm just going to have to take one day at a time and just keep visualising the end result. My main goal. Orlando 2009.

Only time will tell . . .

Day 51 - Friday, 7th November 2008

2008-11-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

I am struggling today. I am feelign quite positive. I am making an effort with the water. But I feel so bloated. Honestly, I've only had a litre and a half and I feel like I'm a walking talking fishbowl! On top of that, I had a peanut bar for lunch, and it took me 3 and a half hours to eat it! I am just hoping that this is all because it is lady time. Speaking of which, I have not had lady pains like this since I was at school. Even the Panadol Extra only keeps it at bay for a little while. It's horrible. Why couldn't I be one of those ladies who go on LL and don't experience a time of the month moment for months!? Instead, it has to make me damn regular! Men don;t know how good they've got it sometimes. I remember someone once told me that a really bad period pain was about the same as when a man gets kicked in the meat and two veg, so to speak. You know, I really feel like going and kicking every man I encounter in the balls right now!!! Well, it would make me feel better.

This is odd. I have never ever been a very PMT type person, but looking back at how emotional I have been for the last week or so, I can so understand it now. Is this diet totally messing with my hormone levels?! Oh god, I can't be doing with the whole crying and getting depressed and pissy with everyone once every four weeks!! EEEK!

Well, I've got to go and see my councellor tonight as Daddy dearest forgot to take his cheque in for his foodpacks while he is on the cruise. And now he's gone off to Barbados today and muggins here has to go and take her some pennies. So while I am there, I might ask her if I am losing the plot completely, or if this is normal!?

Then I have a whole night of tidying and sorting to look forward to. I am slightly concerned that my whole plan this week has been to sort my house out by Sunday. But I found out today that the workers at the recycling place are all on strike. Which is jolly helpful. If they're not paying you enough, get another job that pays more! See, pissy, no reason. Damn you hormones!!!

Day 50 - Thursday, 6th November 2008

2008-11-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

Oh. My. God. I have been without chocolate, cakes and coca cola for 50 fricking days! And in those 50 days I have lost 36lb! I think I am actually starting to put it into some kind of perspective now. I was a little disappointed with "only 3lb" last night. But when I actually thought about it. If I was on a different diet, I would be over the fricking moon with 3lb. I am still on track to lose 4 stone by the end of foundation on 17th December 2008. So why the hell am I beating myself up?

I am a bit more focused because of it though. Perhaps I needed that little kick in the butt by losing less than what I wanted to lose, that I need to do things properly. Yes, I did lots of excercise, but in missing foodpacks out, I am starving my body of minerals and vitamins and I can't really be surprised then that I retain that!

So right now, I have a bottle of water on my desk, I have had my peanut bar for lunch and I am feeling positive about the week ahead. I am planning on decluttering the house by Sunday so hopefully that will help because it is in effect, excercise.

Because my parents are on a Cruise for a fortnight, my brother will be out of the house granny sitting which means that I am able to get it into a manageable state without him totally trashing the place every five minutes.

But I am not happy about the fact that out of everything we have to do for the granny's in the absence of the parental units, I am the one who has to take them out for a meal. I really don't manage well with the whole going for a meal thing. I have however thought about it. It's something I have to do. Therefore I need to form a plan. So I am taking them to the garden centre. Get them sorted with their food then I can wander around the aquarium or something for 15 minutes while they eat. Fa da. Everyone is happy! Might even buy myself a plant!

Yes, I think that Day 50 might be the turning point! Positive thinking winning through at last!

Day 49 - Wednesday, 5th November 2008

2008-11-05T05:30:00.000-08:00

I had soooo much sleep last night. I was in bed for 8pm. I was a vey tired bunny! I can't remember the last time I had an early night. It was nice last night though. My brother, still being very nice to me, took me to Tesco and bought me lots of pampery things and steered me away from the cakes! He then found some odd thing called "skinny water" which he bought for me because he says that's what LL is doing for me! Bless. He even cleaned up downstairs and bought a mop. I think finally, he might be starting to understand why I am so stressed all the time.
Plus I think I am having some kind of effect on him anyway. He joined a gym yesterday! Although he refuses to give up the beer. The fact that we now have one cupboard and the whole fridge devoted to Stella Artois is good proof of this.
In the meantime, I am currently having a little stress out at the thought of LL session tonight as I have to go through my time line. Basically, I had to write down all of the things that I remember as important through out my life. Then I have to decide where my weight was, was it high, medium or low, at that time. In thinking about this I have discovered some things. I have realised what the pivotal points were in my downward spiral. And as I actually think about it, I can link them all in. It's for the same reasons I can't be happy for my friends when they get involved in relationships and it's for the same reasons that I don't trust men.
But pin pointing it all to one stage of my life, really has put everything into perspective. I am now trying to work out (a) how I say all of that stuff out loud at class tonight, and (b) how I get over it. Perhaps the two maybe connected!?

So, I've just got back from weigh in. Lost 3lb. Takes me over the 2 and a half stone mark. Can't really comprehend that I've lost that in 7 weeks. It's a little bit mad really.

Day 48 - Tuesday, 4th November 2008

2008-11-04T04:41:00.000-08:00

Where do I start now? I have had a horrible week. Honestly. I was so looking forward to Alton Towers at Halloween. But it ended up being pretty much a nightmare. It dawned on me how much time I used to spend whinging that I needed food or I needed a drink etc... Because honestly, if it wasn't one of them, it was another. "I'm starving", "I need a beer", "I need food or I'll die". It was non stop from Thursday morning til Friday night. I could have killed them. During Thursday day, three of my girlfriends and I went wandering around the park. And it was good. I mean, yes there was an hour when I had to sit and save a table for them while they went to order food. Which was fine, except that because it was so busy, people kept loitering around me and staring trying to get me to move. Because all they saw was a girl alone at a table. Anyway, I then had to endure them all eating burgers, which doesnt normally bother me at all, but I guess I was already a little aggrevated from the waiting and the hoards of people and the screaming children. I really hate parents who can't control their children!

Anyway, then my friend annoyed me because she decided to change rooms to stay with the lads, for no apparent reason, which to be honest made me feel a little hurt. Am I not good enough to share a room with? Especially as that made five in their room and three in ours! Doesn't make sense, especially when the lads are not the sort she would be attracted to - one's her cousin, the other two are just not her type, I assure you!

Then, Thursday night came round and honestly, I have never heard so much whinging in my life. They were hungry, they needed beer. So I had to sit in the Tavern and drink water even though it was like -3 outside! And we didn't get to go on the rides we wanted because they wanted more beer. Oooh very frustrating. On top of that, my corset was so tight that my breathing was restricted, so when I was running out of one of mazes, I lost my breathe, nearly fainted and got a head ache.

Needless to say, when I got back to the Hotel, I was really unhappy. I got changed and called my friend for some support because I was a hairswidth from hitting the Vodka hard. I swear, if it wasn't for her at the end of the phone, knowing that she was there for me, I would have lost it. Thankfully, I didn't lapse. I stuck to my diet. I didn't touch a drop of alcohol and since then, having seen how upset I was, my brother has been really really nice to me.

Even on Friday morning, when I refused to go swimming, and my cousin had promised to stay with me to keep me company, then when she found out it was free, forgot her promise and ran off to the pool, my brother made sure that everyone came back after only an hour and gave me a coat to keep me warm.

I think if nothing else has come of all of it, I have learnt who is there for me. My friend on the end of the phone. She has been nothing but supportive through this whole thing. In fact, she is even coming back up north for Christmas and New Year and says that she will stay sober with me so I don't feel like I did on Thursday night.

My brother since seeing how upset I was, has been making a real effort. He hasn't had a takeaway delivered! And he even went out and bought a Paella yesterday because he said he knew I wouldn't be bothered by it, as I never ate fish anyway!

Saturday was better. I went out with my family and saw my uncle and cousin who came down from Sunderland for the weekend. Haven't seen them since my grandad's funeral in August. And my uncle's reaction to the new me was really nice. Especially as he doesn't show his emotions very often. But he was really lovely.

I am trying to look on the positive side now. But I have found this week extraordinarily difficult. The cravings have been exteme. I'm hoping that come tomorrow's weigh in, I will have new focus. With any luck some of the 18,000 steps I did at Alton Towers will be helpful in a big weightloss. Fingers Crossed.

Day 42 - Wednesday, 29th October 2008

2008-10-29T04:05:00.000-07:00

Oh god it's Wednesday again. How do they come around so quickly? I have decided I know why I feel so apprehensive on a Wednesday. I have always prepared myself for the worst so that I can't be disappointed. So I've always made myself feel like I haven't done well, or I could have done better, when in actual fact, I have stuck to the diet, I am bound to lose weight. It's crazy really.

I need to stop making myself feel like I have failed before I even know the result. Especially when I know I have not done anything wrong.

Adding to my stress levels today, I am crazy busy at work. I have taken a few minute out as I need to go to the chemist shortly. But I am more than aware of this huge pile of papers to the side of me that bossman has landed on me. He thinks I am a miracle working genius!! Haha! Well, that was indeed a nice warm fuzzy to recieve.

On top of work, I have had to send my cousin out to buy stuff for Halloween that I haven't managed to get yet, I have had to source 2 Joker outfits in a day. Hopefully the nurses dress will arrive with G-unit tomorrow for my brother to pick up tomorrow afternoon.

I've had to get hold of 8 tickets for my friends show on Saturday. Which was a little more difficult than first anticipated as the woman on the end of the phone seemed to be having trouble with the concept of ticket purchase!! Novel really considering she works in a damn box office.

Then tonight I have to go home, tidy up - unless the housemates have miraculously listened to me and cleaned today - then I have to sort 3 Halloween Costumes and go to LL session.

Oh why do I get myself into these things?

On a more postive note, as I am aware I am starting to freak out now thinking of more and more things that need doing, like my nails!! I am goin to Alton Towers tomorrow for girlie silliness in the day and 229 chaos in the evening. I am going to have a brilliant Halloween Eve tomorrow. And I know it will all be worth it.

Must. Stop. Stressing!!

Day 41 - Tuesday, 28th October 2008

2008-10-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

Holy Moose! I have just had a monumental reality check!! I am going to Alton Towers for Halloween on Thursday/Friday this week. Which I have been uber excited about. I am now in the midst of sorting my costume out. I am being a Witch. I have the coolest hat ever. Super impressed. I shall have to post a picture of me as the witch! Must remind me. . .

Anyway, my lovely friend who works at Towers, has today informed me that it is snowing. Being someone who does feel the cold anyway, I think it's my least favourite of the Lighter Life side effects, I am totally going to freeze. It appears that I may have to combine Halloween with Christmas. I will go as a witch and come back as a fricking Snowman, with a cute pointy hat. . .

My alternative is to (a) amend costume to more layers so it is less likely I will get hyperthermia and die, or (b) swap costume ideas and go as the michelin man. I can wear a duvet. It's fine. But, my cute hat . . .

Meanwhile, in my office it is cold. I am drinking stupid amounts of water as I am convinced that if I keep up the water levels I will lose more weight. Christmas is approaching and no, I am never satisfied! Anyway, because of increased water intake, I am going to the loo more. But to get to the loo, I have to go out into the transport office. And damn, I think it would be warmer sitting in a fridge. It is stupidly cold. They have two heaters on the go and it is still cold. And everytime I walk past them they look at me like I'm an alien as they all have like 8 fleeces on each and a high viz jacket and I just have my work clothes on. I sooo need to make the boss buy me a damn fleece!

Or I shall be forced to wear my Spongebob Squarepants Hoodie to work!

On a more positive note, as I am aware I have been ranting for some time now, the ugg boots I bought yesterday (size 5 people, size 5) are super comfy and super warm.

Day 40 - Monday, 27th October 2008

2008-10-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

What a day! It's been just fabulous. I've got the girls on board for Orlando 2009. I've blagged my way to an afternoon off work to go clothes shopping and in carrying out said shopping, I have discovered that I have shrunk a whole 2 dress sizes and a shoe size!!!

So, I'm on track!! And this is a happy day. A good day. Need more of these!! Oooh, and in three days, I'll be in Alton Towers with the good people of 229!

Daddy has now started Ligher Life. I am a trend setter. Haha! He makes me laugh. He's getting all confused with his foodpacks. At least he has a fabulous daughter like me who is just a phone call away! Today, he was showing me the books that the councellor has given him. Ah, I remember my first week, when it was all new to me. A whole new adventure. It's hard to believe that was 6 weeks ago!

I'm so proud of him for doing it. Although, I was the frowning parental figure when he told me he was planning to CHEAT when he and Mother go on Carribbean Cruise next month!!! How rude! But in fairness to him, he says that he will be using the onboard gym!! What's he like?

I did have to endure my Mother and G-Unit, my Grandma, pointing out the bits of me that are now visibly smaller! Oh how embarrassing can a middle age woman and a pensioner be!?!

Day 36 - Thursday, 23rd October 2008

2008-10-23T03:25:00.000-07:00

Well, last night was weigh in and I have lost a further 5lb! I was ecstatic. Because, I honestly thought I had put weight on. I felt huge and bloated and horrible. But all that worry was for nothing because I actually lost weight. I have now lost 2 stone and 1 pound in total. Things are starting to look a little brighter. I am trying to sort out things to look forward to. Lets see . . .

October - Alton Towers 4. Halloween Scarefest. 29th and 30th October.

November - Bullet for my Valentine Gig, V festival meet up in Brum, cousins birthday.

December - Black Stone Cherry Gig, Portsmouth weekend, Xmas, my birthday, New Year.

January - ????

February - ????

March - Metallica Gig.

April - ????

May - ????

June - ????

July - ????

August - V festival.

September -????

October - Orlando 09!!!

There are some gaps to fill in. But if I have things to focus on, it will take the attention away from food!

Yes, so I guess you could say that I am feeling pretty positive today.

Oh and as far as this month goes, I can now get into THE RED JEANS. I can move in them, I can sit in them. I am ready to wear them for Halloween!!! Yippee!!!

Day 33 - Monday, 20th October 2008

2008-10-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

This feeling sicky thing is happening a little too frequently for my liking. Honestly, Saturday was a bad one. As per bloody usual, I got myself worked up over a stupid thing on Friday and the stress set me off on a killer migraine on Saturday that meant I was in bed all day, only had two foodpacks and did like NO steps.

I guess I need to work on letting things go. But I have always been one to hold a grudge. Basically, what happened is that my three housemates and a mutual friend went off to a wedding reception on Friday night. Fair enough right. Two boys, two girls, date type thing. I don't mind not being invited, I don't know who got married anyway! Anyhoo, later that night, they came home with another of our friends, I was just like "oh god, where did you pick him up from?!" and he said, "oh I got a text telling me to get dressed and come to the party". So in effect, they invited him as an extra guest, and not me. In my head that means, they didn't want me there. So I feel that I have a right to sulk. But then I just couldn't stop working myself up about it. Thinking of all the things I have done for them all over the last few months. And yet, they didn't even want me at a stupid party that I didn't want to go to in the first place. Oh, I need my head seeing to sometimes!!!

Anyway, I honestly don't know how I get myself so worked up, I have to stop because the last time I felt as let down as I did on Friday, I found help only from the sharp end of a razor blade.

Thankfully, I managed to cope. I suffered through my migrane and now, touch wood, I think I'm back on solid ground. Just keeping those three at arms length for the moment. And my saving grace had to be a visit from one of my bestest buds yesterday. I haven't seen her for months. She always seems to know how to make me feel better. So it's not all doom and gloom and I must remember that. You know what freaks me out most of all? Not once did I have to find the answer at the back of the fridge, or the local chinese takeaway. This time, I worked it all out without food. Crazy, huh!?

Day 28 - Wednesday, 15th October 2008

2008-10-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

Week Four weigh in today! Lost another 4lb. 24lb in total. Oh and just an added bonus, I got measured and I have lost 10.75" from bust, waist and hips. Most of it has come off of my boobs - worse luck! But at least it's all going in the right direction!

Oh, and most importantly, I have tried on THE RED JEANS. And I can do them up! Seriously, I am sooo chuffed. I cannot move in them for fear of ripping them back open, but dammit, they do up! Ha ha!

Day 27 - Tuesday, 14th October 2008

2008-10-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

So according to Lighter Life, not only do you have to get your doctor to sign a form before you can go onto the Lighter Life plan, but you also have to go back to a medical professional every 28 days to get your blood pressure taken.

It is fair to say I was a little anxious about this. I mean, I was bricking it when I went to the doctor to get my medical questionnaire done in the first place, but now, when I have got to get this 28 day thing done too. Eeek!!!

Anyway, I went to see my local Nurse Practioner today. I have seen her since I was little, when I was first diagnosed with Asthma. So I was telling her all about the diet and everything and she actually said to me "Oh don't you have to have regular check ups with that one?" and then when I told her I did, she not only offered to fill in my form, but she also scheduled my an appointment for 4 weeks time, for my next check up! Oh I did sigh a great big sigh of relief! It's no wonder my Blood Pressure came down. And she told me it was "good" as was my peak flow!! I've never seen the medical benefits like this before. It's really made me appreciate why they make you get checked out!!

Yes, all in all, I feel muchos positive today! My brother has even said he will buy me a Shark!! Ok, not a big shark, a little one, with a fish tank, for our Lounge!!!

I know. I'm not a "normal" girl!

Day 26 - Monday, 13th October 2008

2008-10-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

So much good news! Diet is getting easier (for the moment anyway), the job is going really well, and I am feeling SOOOO much better. Little Emma and I went running off to Decathlon in Nottingham on Saturday for walking boots. The plan is to have a huge great big walk every Sunday! I bagged me a BARGAIN! My pink winter walking boots were 70% off. So I paid £12! I was well impressed.

Then on Saturday night the girls were round. They got through 4 bottles of wine, 2 big bottles of WKD and then started on the lads' beer. Its no wonder Jen was ill!

But I was quite proud that I was not even tempted by any of it. Although I had a BIG craving for Garlic Bread when Emma came back from the Kebab shop with 'babs, chips and pizza! But it passed and I sat there with my LL Hot Chocolate.

On Sunday, we were at West Midlands Safari Park. It was another one of those moments that makes me realise how much I used to think about food. But also made me see how much focus there is on unhealthy fast food. We stopped after the Drive Through Safari for a trip to the ladies and a drink and souveniors. I was waiting for the girls to get something to eat and I noticed that all they had to choose from was Burgers, Chips, Pizza, Sweets, etc. There were big posters and signs everywhere advertising Bigger Hot Dogs and Bigger Ice Creams. More food for less money. And all I could smell was FAT! It was horrific. And it left me thinking, what chance does society have when there "snack foods" hold more calories than you should have in a whole day!?! Perhaps this is the beginning of a new mindset for me.

I've also been finding that planning events up to December is a little daunting. Halloween I know will be good. I don't feel like there will be a big enfassis on food that weekend. I'll just have to remember to take some chocolate shakes with me to make Hot Chocolate and keep me warm!! I am really excited about that. But Emma's birthday - there will be cake. Portsmouth trip, December 12th - it will be the first time I've been down and not drank alcohol, or had chinese food!! And the Christmas. Need I say more. Then there is works Christmas Party, My birthday and New Year. Oh if I can get through to January without lapsing, I will be so proud of myself. But I am just trying not to think that far ahead at the moment and just focus on the week ahead.

So, costume making for Halloween then!!!

My character is the Fire Witch. I only have two weeks to sort the costume out!! Oh and lose enough weight to fit into THE RED JEANS! So I guess that's me off to get busy with metres and metres of red and yellow fabric then . . . .

Day 22 - Thursday, 9th October 2008

2008-10-09T15:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I blogged. Is that a proper word, "blogged"? Eh, never mind anyway, I have never been one for 100% correctness!!! Again, "correctness"? Oh, right I am going to stop it now.

Anyway, my absence of late, was solely due to lack of energy, which in turn was due to me being stupidly ill. I mean, honestly, I felt HORRIBLE!

It started with a cold, which I can deal with. But following that, every foodpack I had just made me feel so sick. I was down to 3 foodpacks a day and barely any water because anything I swallowed made me want to pass out or throw up. In fact, it was so bad that I had to cancel going out with my ex-work colleagues on Saturday night. I was supposed to go to Jongleurs and instead I spent the evening wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa watching Alan Carr. Don't get me wrong, I love Alan Carr, he's hysterical. But going out with the girls would have been SO much more fun!

So I've battled through work and through the weekend and finally made it to my Lighter Life session last night. I knew I was dehydrated and because it was lady's time this week, and I had been ill, I felt really bloated. I was expecting a gain, I was hoping to stay the same and I was wishing for 5 pounds to take me up to the 1 and a half stone mark. I lost 4 pounds. So in total, I have now lost 20 pounds. I am really happy, only a pound to go for 1 and a half stone. In the meantime, I am proud that I have lost 1 stone and 6 pounds in 3 weeks!!! Wow!

I do feel like I am getting into the swing of things, it is becoming more "normal" now. I just need to get back into that routine I had before the sicky time!!

I tried THE RED JEANS on! They get past my ass now. But they are not quite closing yet!! I'm hopeful I will be in them for Halloween! Just hope they fit for Halloween and they are not too big by that time. Now that would be funny!

Day 15 - Thursday, 2nd October 2008

2008-10-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

My weigh in went really well yesterday. I lost 6lb! I am super happy! It means that I have lost a grand total of (drum roll please) ONE STONE AND TWO POUNDS!

Day 13 - Tuesday, 30th September 2008

2008-09-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have spent quite some time today actually thinking about the weigh in tomorrow. I am a little anxious after my realisation last week that I am so not as open as I thought I was. So I need to try and work on that this week. I'm going to spend some time on my book later. I know that I have been working on the goals so I think that has helped me too.

Because this week I have been attached to this damn pedometer, I think it is helping me to realise how little I walk. Because I work in an office I think it is difficult. But it is something that I hope to work on next week. Now that I am seeing that my daily steps are somewhere around 2,500 to 3,000. I want to pick this up to around 4,500 next week. I have no idea how I am going to do that just yet. I am working on it!

But, my first day at my new job went well. I am like holding me breath cus I know I'm going to be going ape in a few weeks because it will be stressy. But hey, at least it will keep me busy. And when I am thinking about work, I am not thinking about not eating!!

Day 12 - Monday, 29th September 2008

2008-09-30T03:34:00.000-07:00

What a weekend I've had. It's been very chilled out. No, actually I will rephrase that. It has been very lazy! My cousin and I have done absolutely nothing bar watching DVD's and cleaning the house. OK, maybe the cleaning bit wasn't so lazy. But that was only a couple of hours out of the whole weekend!

The cravings are in overdrive and to be honest, its just now about missing out on something everyone else has. But I have to remind myself, they already get to shop where they want and wear what they want. They can already run up the stairs at work without thinking their going to have some kind of coronary. So I am now thinking about it, I'm not missing out on anything because I will be gaining so much more in the long term.

Today was my last day at Inspired Gaming. So in true office tradition, I had to take cakes in for everyone. It was a true test. I had to sit and watch them eat chocolate eclairs and shortbread and rice crispie cakes, whilst I sat there with my lemon bar.

I did it. It was not a pleasant experience, but my friend Heather kind of put it in perspective for me. She said. Imagine if you did have a chocolate eclair. You'd eat it and then how would you feel? All of the hell of the last two weeks you've put yourself through has been for nothing and youd have to start all over again. Do you really want to jeopardise your goal for a chocolate eclair? Is it worth it? Oh how wise she is!

I got through it and I have been busying myself trying to find us a cracking deal for our holiday in Orlando in October/November 2009. So here is another goal for you. I will have completed my foundation, development and RTM courses with Lighter Life before October 2009.

I feel a sense of acheivement. I think I will treat myself with a Strawberry Shake!

Day 9 - Friday, 26th September 2008

2008-09-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, this pedometer thing is really making me realise that I am soooooooo not moving about enough. I can blame it on working in an office, but I think that is only half of the story. I mean, I need to seriously consider doing some extra exercise now. Plus, it's bound to mean that I can keep the weight loss up which is MOST important.

I have also been thinking a bit more about this setting goals thing. How about this one "to lose four stone by christmas" and "to get up to an average of 10,000 steps a day by the end of October 2008".

It's quite fascinating how my mind seems to be working so differently even after just a few days! Who knows what I'll be thinking by the end of this.

In the meantime, I've started the de-clutter. It's actually amazing how much crap I have! I think I've managed to swap all of my unused toiletries (honestly it's like Boots stockroom in my room sometimes) for a pair of Chanel sunglasses! Genius!

Well, the main clean comes tomorrow! And who knows, my pedometer may read a few more steps than 3,000!!

Day 8 - Thursday, 25th September 2008

2008-09-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

The cravings have been just horrendous today. I could honestly have jacked it all in for some fried chicken, chips and gravy. And it is for that very reason that I am stunned that I stuck to it. I had my four food packs, and yes I was fricking Hank Marvin, but I understood that it was not physical hunger at all but in fact emotional hunger. Which was not made any better by the 229 mob returning and talking non stop about kebabs and KFC and Maccy D’s and Chicken and Rice and, well food in general. In the end, I had to tell them to just shut the hell up!

In addition to this I have had this damn pedometer stuck to me all day, which in my opinion, is a useless piece of kit. I mean, I checked it when I went to the loo and it was 2454 and when I stood up it was 2459. How the hell does one do 5 steps when you are sitting on the toilet?

Anyways, I was appalled to see that my end day result was 3529. I sooooo need to walk more. (And maybe use the loo more!) So, ooh chance for a new goal. “To take over 4000 steps by the end of Friday 26th September 2008.” Ooh I think I’m actually getting the hang of this goal setting thing. Who would have thought it could be so difficult?

I know that I will do lots of steps at the weekend anyway because Little Emma and I are having an Autumn Clean! For those of you not familiar with the Autumn Clean, it’s similar to a Spring Clean, but it’s done in Autumn! And if that doesn’t burn up some calories, I don’t know what will!!

Day 7 - Wednesday 24th September 2008

2008-09-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

My first week of Lighter Life is finished! I am so pleased. Not only did I complete the week without once delving into the biscuit tin, I have lost 10lb. That’s just amazing.

The counselling session tonight was about setting goals. To be honest I was shocked at how hard I found it. I had to imagine where I would be in one years time, what I would look like, what clothes I would be wearing, and how people would react to me. I just couldn’t imagine that far into the future at all. I’ve always been someone to only look at what is happening in the present and not what may happen in months or years to come. And I realised I have never made goals before. I mean, I’ve aimed at things. But I have never made a goal.

I am starting out small. I have some red jeans that I bought in the sales a while back. They are too small. So my aim is to get into my red jeans before Halloween. Apparently, this is what is called a “smart goal” because it is “specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timed!” OK, it’s a silly little thing, but I am quite proud of it for my first ever goal!

I still can’t visualise what I will look like in one years time though. I am starting to wonder why. The only thing I can come up with is that maybe I just don’t know yet who I am now. So how can I possibly know who I will be in a year?

My work will still not confirm they will let me leave on Friday. I am at the point where I’m thinking, “I don’t really care what they think. I’m damn well going on Friday!” Yup! That’s my decision.

My head is well and truly blagged now!

Day 5 - Monday, 22nd September 2008

2008-09-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

Ok. I am sure this is not normal. But I am craving rice! I know. Weird huh!?

I had to take the vegetable soups back! They made me feel poorly!

So I went to see Sandi tonight. In the last 5 days, I have lost 9lb! Yey me!

I can't wait for Wednesday now. It's so great to see the weight come off so quickly. It really motivates you to keep it up, because you know that it wont be forever. I think that sticking to this diet really will teach me the value of food. Maybe I will even enjoy food more as a result.

229 is back to normal this evening. Emma, Stu, Tom and I sitting here, watching TV, talking bollocks, putting the world to rights. It feels like its been ages since we've done this. It used to be the way it was, ok there was a takeaway and a stack of booze too. But now, its just them doing the eating and drinking. Whilst I have my Vanilla Shake. But to be honest I don't feel out of place or anything.

Well, off to look for a wig for halloween now! Fun!

Day 4 - Sunday, 21st September 2008

2008-09-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

I think I may have perfected the shakes now! (Lighter Life Milkshakes, that is not that I am actually shaking or anything!)

I love that everytime I jump on the scales the numbers are going down and not going up. It really helps me to focus on what I am achieving. I dont think I've ever been in any less doubt that I would see a diet through to the end! I am quite optimistic today. Yey me!

I did also manage to speak to my brother in the wee hours of this morning, it's the only time we seem to communicate! Having sat down with him and explained that I am not in danger and at the end of the day I am getting all of the minerals/vitamins I need and I'm losing weight. He's still of the opinion that it is not what he would personally choose to do, but I think he is accepting my choice and I might expect a little bit more support from him now!

What I did learn today, useful lesson really:

Do not watch Gordon Ramsey's programmes when you are on a diet, it just makes you really, really crave food!!

I am now watching a documentary about the worlds biggest man. That's more like it! No amazing dishes on here! Just buckets of KFC, which I couldn't eat anyway! Beki wins.

I have also arranged to meet Sandi tomorrow afternoon to swap the evil vegetable soups, and get mid week weigh in to see how amazingly well I'm doing - I know, I'm like sooooo modest right!?

Meanwhile . . . I am still trying to motivate myself to start the big de-clutter. It's not going well :( Instead, I am spending my valuable sunday afternoon blog-writing! I may even stretch to looking for my Halloween Outfit! After all there are just 39 short days until our Alton Towers Scarefest Break! I can hardly wait!

My Portsmouth Family!

2008-09-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

Rache & Tamz

I wish I had the money to spend more time in Portsmouth. I've been down to see Rache a few times and met several of her friends, and what I love about them is that they don't judge me. I find it very difficult here at home sometimes because I am constantly feeling people are judging me, but yet when I'm with Rache and Tammy I feel like I can really be myself. It is a shame they live so far away and I see them so infrequently! :(

Day 3 - Saturday, 20th September 2008

2008-09-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

OMG! Today has been actually horrendous! My head has been banging all day, I've drank enough water to see me through, but not as much as I should have. In fact, I didn't feel "normal" until 7pm! I am hopeful that I can get through this first week and next week will be easier!

On a positive note, my lovely friend Rache has been amazing today. She has made me feel so much better and really got my head back into this. I am so lucky to have her and my parents to support me as I know how some people feel about the programme and the fact that it is so extreme a method of weight loss.

I'm just counting the days now until my first weigh in. I can't wait to see how much I've lost! I'm sure all of this chaos this week will be worth it!

I've worked out that the vegetable soups don't agree with me! But I am loving the shakes. And tomorrow, I get a peanut bar! I honestly cannot believe I am so damn excited about chewing something! You gots to have something to look forward to it I suppose!

Day 2 - Friday, 19th September 2008

2008-09-20T15:30:00.000-07:00

So Day 1 is finally over and I am hoping that Day 2 will go a lot smoother! I know what to expect now. I actually got up and made a chocolate shake this morning. Damn my head hurts! I know it’s the sugar withdrawal, just like I know that the hunger I am feeling at the moment is the 10am pang when I would normally have skipped breakfast and opt for a kitkat, cereal bar or bag of crisps instead!
So I’m just going to deal with it, and keep drinking water. Oh, yeah the water is driving me barmy. My colleagues found the effects of all the water consumption hilarious. “No wonder they lose so much weight on this diet, Beki” one of them said to me “You’ve spent all day to and from the loo!”
It is having an effect on me this diet. It’s not like with previous diets where I have maybe picked up a sweet here thinking it won’t really matter. I am really conscious when I walk past the cake tin at work that I am not eating conventional food and it would damage the good I have already done. I have no idea why my mind set has changed so quickly, but I am quite pleased it has. I am even feeling more motivated about other aspects of my life. Like for example, having realised that boredom is a trigger for my eating habits, I need to make sure that I keep busy. So I am going to make an effort to de-clutter my house. I am starting on my bedroom this weekend. I’ve been trying to work out ways of earning more money, so I might even start selling some of my accumulated crap on E-Bay. Kills three birds with one stone - I am making money, de-cluttering and I am keeping busy.
And who knows, maybe even it will be beneficial to my diet mentality, when my clothes start getting too big and I can sell all of the too-big clothes and move down a size.
Hopefully, all this excitement will make me forget all about the fact that I have to wait another day before I can have solid food!
On a more positive note, I have not been craving Pepsi today! Bonus!
Having spent the day sorting my head out with this diet and everything, I was feeling quite positive, until my brother and his friend came in! I spent twenty minutes trying to defend my choices in starting the programme. I don’t see why they can’t just support me. Instead they judge me and make me feel guilty. I think the words they used were, “Oh well that’s just the lazy route. I’d just go to the gym”. It just makes me feel horrible. I’ve been struggling and my parents have been so supportive, but the people I live with, who are there most of the time, they’re the ones that need to just say “well done” or “good luck”. All I want to do is jump into the fridge!! My choice is to accept their opinion and move on from it. I never expected my first week to be such a roller coaster. This wall is the toughest I have ever had to climb.

Day 1 - Thursday, 18th September 2008

2008-09-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

I have to say at this morning, the first morning on the Lighter Life programme, I was a little hesitant. I like to think it was my issues with work that made me reluctant to get out of bed this morning, although I must admit that the prospect of the 14 weeks that lie ahead are well and truly bearing down on me. Imagine, 14 weeks. Not a drop of Pepsi or a spec of dairy milk! How will I cope?
By lunch time, having done my normal thing of skipping breakfast (well, one step at a time hey) I was feeling quite hungry. But I found myself remembering what Sandi said last night. The mind is a powerful tool. And a lot of the time, when you think you are hungry, you actually are not hungry at all. So I thought about it and I found myself realising that I was just craving my normal morning sugar intake - chocolate or a can of pop!

In fact, once I had my soup and shake at lunch time I felt really full and it was surprisingly yummy! I have sat and read my record book today and I am panicking about the 28 day check ups. It was a less than enjoyable experience as it was getting my GP to sign my health check questionnaire and now I’ve got to go through that every 28 days! I’m having heart palpitations just thinking about it. But at the end of the day, I know that Sandi can give me the number of another GP who will sign it without question. Since when has a doctor stopped me from doing anything!!? And there sure as hell will not stop me from being Skinny Beki for Florida 2009!
So I managed to get through Day 1 in one piece. However, thinking back, it was not as rosy as I was led to believe by the other girls in the group! But I knew it wouldn’t be. Taking myself away from chocolate, fizzy pop, sugar, salt, e-numbers, you name it, was never going to be smooth sailing. But I have noticed that even when you feel hungry; it is not necessarily the case. The “hunger” has passed when I have had some water, or even when I have just made myself do some cleaning or something. It’s obvious to me know, that when I was eating because I was hungry, a lot of the time, I wasn’t. I was just feeding a habit. I was bored, or I was used to having a bar of chocolate at 10am. It’s just a habit that I now have to break.

I have also learnt that my most priceless object in the kitchen is a tea strainer!! It gets rid of all the lumps in the soup, because I can't get used to eating lumpy soup, I’m a Heinz tomato soup girl. It’s got to be smooth!!

A natural start! (That would be at the beginning)

2008-09-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

Making that Change!

I am actually really tired of being the biggest one of my friends! I mean seriously, I would just one time like to not be the biggest person in the room! It's hard enough to be big, but when most of your friends are size 8-10, it's can be so damning to the self esteem.

I've tried diets before. I've failed at most of them. I did lose 5 stone with Slimming World a few years ago, but I managed to put it all back on (and then some!) But now I've come to the conclusion that I have to do something. I just feel miserable the way I am. So after many weeks of my mum and dad going on and on about this woman they met who had lost 7 stone in 5 months at Lighter Life, I figured what have I got to lose!?

Last Tuesday, 16th September 2008, I finally made it to meet a Lighter Life Counsellor. Her name is Sandi. I spent an hour learning more about the programme. And I made the decision to join. To abstain from "conventional" food for no less than 14 weeks!

In addition to the diet, I am TRYING to quit my job. I am in consultation, and I've handed in my notice with the intention of leaving next Friday. But will they let me go? Will they heck as like! At this point, I'd just as quickly wander out the door flashing a quick finger to them all, but I am way too nice to do that! Nevertheless, I shall be leaving next Friday, whether they like it or not. I have another job to go to. Working for my mother. And if I can't give them the finger, she sure as hell can!