I have sat here in my Office Oven(!) trying to work out for the longest time why the hell I am feeling hungry! But finally, I think I have the solution. I knew when I started LL that one of my biggest triggers with food was boredom, when there is nothing else to do, have something to eat. Of course that's not healthy in the slightest. I think I can now recognise this in my present situation! Having had a relatively busy morning, this afternoon has gone comparitively slowly. And I am finding myself with time to think. Which, in fairness, can be a little bit dangerous! And as I sit here thinking about it more, it seems obvious to me that the hunger I think I feel now, is not hunger at all, but boredom!
I have been thinking a lot lately about what I could get away with if I were to "cheat". But the thing that keeps coming to me is that the only person I would really be cheating is myself. So many people have said that to me in the past, and I have just brushed it off. It didn't matter to me what they thought. But now, I understand what they were trying to tell me, and most importantly of all. I actually think that I am accepting the philosophy behind that statement. I mean at the end of the day, is it worth risking everything I have done this far for one meal, for one snack. Would it not be better to wait? To continue on the plan until the time I am ready to start eating conventional foods again? Why is it that you understand these things, but you just never accept them? I have known all of this for so many years. I have known what not to eat, what I should be doing, but I have never accepted it. And I don't know why! Perhaps this is a lesson yet to be learnt. Something I have to find out from a little bit more soul searching and a little interaction with my group tomorrow.
I honestly cannot wait for tomorrow night. I don't think I have ever been this excited about a weigh in before. Ever. I remember a few weeks ago that I was dreading going because I felt horrible and bloated. And ever since I spoke to my group about my anxieties surrounding the weigh ins and really realised that I was comparing this situation to a weigh in at Slimming World, where you never know if you have lost, or indeed if you have gained. I just had to be reminded until it sunk in that I am losing weight. I have gone almost 9 weeks now without gaining any weight so why in the blue hell would I think I had? I haven't "cheated"! So of course I will lose. I think I was starting to accept that philosophy last week. But I have had to wait until now until I had that "Eureka" moment to fully appreciate it. I know the numbers on the scales will go down. The only question now is, how much by?
I guess I have to wait until tomorrow to find that out!
But in the back of my head, although I am happy that I am making all of this progress both physically with the weightloss and psychologically, I know it is only because I have had the space to do that this week. I don't know what will happen when I have no sanctuary in my house next week. My brother returns home on Friday night. And I am anxious that the stress will return with him. I really don't want to let it happen. I am hoping that he is willing to make a few changes for me so that I don't have to come home to a living room full of fag ends and empty beer cans from him and his mates that he can't be bothered to clear up! It appears, my new challenge has presented itself. And it's well and truly taken the form of SMELLY BOYS!
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